When are you sad enough?

WHEN YOU PUT PEN TO PAPER
WHEN YOU PUT BRUSH TO CANVAS
WHEN YOU PUT WORDS TO A SONG
WHEN YOU PICK UP AN INSTRUMENT AND COMPOSE
WHEN YOU START TYPING AND CANNOT STOP
WHEN THE KNOTS GET TIGHTER AND TIGHTER
WHEN THE NEED TO EXPLODE IS OVERWHELMING!
WHEN YOU WALK AND WALK AND WALK AND WALK
WHEN YOU EAT AND EAT AND EAT AND EAT
WHEN YOU CYCLE AND CYCLE AND CYCLE AND CYCLE
WHEN YOU CLIMB AND CLIMB AND EVEN THE TOP IS TOO SOON
WHEN A SWIM IN THE RIVER OR THE OCEAN IS SELF EVIDENT AS THE POOL WILL NOT DO!

Teresa


A Rope - I pull, she pulls - signifies a relationship getting closer.

Initially she pulled. Then she let go. We play pool a few times and the distance seemed to get further. At this point I decided to give up. The party came and she gave a good tug and we went swimming. Since then she's slowly letting the rope slip. Only now, I'm hooked. As she slips away she takes a part of my heart and soul.

I'm pulling harder (maybe too hard - too frightening for her?). My feelings are out and she knows.

She says she has issues. She looks at me though contact lenses coated with her past boyfriends and her father.
It seems her father only sees the negatives in people. I thing there is a danger that Teresa maybe doing this too. Blinded by the perceived negatives you ignore the major positives.
Positives like: How do they make you feel? Are they touchy-feely? Do they give you love? Do they criticise you for being you? Are they trying to change you? Do they crowd you? Do they want the same things as you (e.g. kids)? Do they share the same tastes as you or most of them? We both don't smoke (I hope).

One negative (from her point of view) is age - who knows what will happen tomorrow? Live for today - enjoy whatever time we are given! Better 1 day of love than 2 years of "what if".
Another negative is she's listening to others - the other has a string of "failed relationships". How does having a string of failures qualify you to give relationship advice?
Another negative: My cold hands and feet.

But perhaps I'm deluding myself. If someone is looking for negatives would that not imply that the spark of love is absent?

For me: She's part of every thought. When I'm not busy she's in my plans. A queue of "what ifs" parade through my head.

For her: Is it the same? I suspect not.

America's First Black President

Incredible! I never thought I'd see the speed of change that has happened in my life time. The things that seemed impossible whilst living through them have come to pass having past through them.

I've seen the great threat of the Soviet Union dissipate in a flow of traffic over the borders whilst the red army looked on.

I've seen the symbol of pain, the Berlin Wall, be broken up by the sheer anger and frustration of separated families. I then went on to see total strangers hug and celebrate in the knowledge of 2 halves becoming ONE again.

I've seen Apartheid END after decades of sheer repression and Nelson Mandela become the President. I then went on to see his incredible handling of the emotions, that could have torn the country apart, and allowed a process of healing by talk.

Now I see America, with it's detailed and myriad formats of the history of racism and slavery, elect a black man for President. Where once the hate in a white man meant, no matter the logic if the man is black he must be stopped from progressing, talking, voting, etc and must be kept down. We had the situation where the same white man was forced to think:
"The economy is bad, it's been handled by a republican. I can vote for a new republican with the same ideals or the alternative is...a black man. Mind you he's a black man who is talking sense, he's handling the crisis well, he's talking what I'm thinking"

Children who have seen what has been happening to the planet have now grown up and been given the vote. They've been introduced to politics by the medium they use every day - the PC, youtube, facebook, etc. Where TV never had a chance of mobilising them, Barack's clever and 21st century analysis and utilisation of the new medium has energised the youth and silver surfers alike. He's managed to convince them they do count and they've gotten out of their chairs, waited in queues and made their shout for change a fact.

This win for Obama has generated a euphoria and a feel good wave has spread across the new world, across the oceans and into all the lands of the world. A changed America, one with common sense restored, people sense, could be the start of many possible and more harmonious conditions for the whole world: A more Green America, A black man in charge - how will that affect Al-Qaeda and their recruitment, An America with a greater appreciation for the term "limited resources".

The future is bright...the future is Obama.

Some flames never die.

There have been many changes. Mum has passed on. Her diagnosis was sudden and eventually was her death. Mercifully her passing, taking 3 months, allowed family and friends to bid her goodbye. She was so proud at the revelation she'd generated so much respect within a large group of people.

Her funeral brought together 100 people. There were 3 distinct sets of people. There was family, there was her religious community and there was her medical community. The intermingling allowed each to gather a little more of mum's sole into their memories.

Thankfully my family remains strong. I hate dealing with all the paperwork that goes with someone dying and frankly I'm dealing with it poorly and slowly. There seems to be very little time to do things.

I continue to play my sports...Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday. I have my good days and put away a handful of goals. I have my bad days when the ball refuses to obey my instructions.

Lisa did briefly enter my life and then I cut her off. However, as my heading implied, she's never out of my thoughts. She's trying for a modelling career and has posted some beautiful pictures. She's expressed a hope for a career in a hotter climate. Her sister joined her sometime last year. Her sister seems to be more mature and appears to be enjoying her second stay in the country.

Time for sleep. I've got an early start tomorrow.

Ironically all these trials and tribulations are what make life...life. I know that consciously but even though I appreciate life could be much much worse...I still wish for a little love and companionship..a little touchy feely comfort on a love level.

TERMINAL LUNG CANCER 1 MUM 0

My Mum died. She died in Hospital. She spent almost 3 months there. She was diagnosed with TERMINAL LUNG CANCER in October 2007. The last 10 days of her life the cancer progressed from her left lung and started attacking her right lung. Towards the end she was breathing deep and fast trying to get enough oxygen to feed her body's needs. She was on the maximum oxygen setting, supplied through her mask. The left lung collapsed 3 months prior and never regained function. So for 3 months she fought to live using only 1 lung and hospital oxygen. She surprised all the doctors with her tenacity.

Irony...she never smoked. She was however a passive smoker...but less so over the past few years.

My mother has just been diagnosed with TERMINAL LUNG CANCER.

The deterioration was sudden - all in the space of a week.

She had been visiting the doctor for chest pains and getting general treatments that were having no effect - e.g. antibiotics.
The doctor took blood tests. Red cell count was fine. White cell count slight high - which you would expect if her body was fighting and infection.
Whenever she complained to me of no satisfaction I would tell her to see the doctor again and put on more clothing as it's getting colder.

Finally the doctor booked her for an x-ray at the nearby hospital. At this stage she had a mild cough but was still able to walk, talk and carry out general duties. That sentence just brought back a vision of her trudging off to the shops with her trolley and returning with it laden and her expressing how tired she was getting these days - to me I was helping her keep fit and active.

However she went away with my sister for a week. The woman who returned was a sick person. She was coughing and weak. She had her x-ray. They found a small shadow in her chest x-ray and booked her for a bronchioscopy the following week. I was suprised they let her leave the hospital - she looked so week. She went off with my sister. But she got worse within 2 days and my sister returned her and we called an ambulance.

It's been just over a week. They've run all the tests - including CRT scan, bronchioscopy, blood tests, sample tests, xrays. She's had litres of fluid - rangeing from blood soak to yellow - draining from her one lung on a daily basis.

Today the doctor told my sister that my mum had TERMINAL LUNG CANCER. It is spreading from one lung to the other, has infecting the liver and surrounding parts. She has weeks/months to live.

At least she has lasted long enough to see grand children. J1, the eldest, cried (before he knew the diagnosis) when he left her bed side on his first visit. He's seen his other Nan and Great Nan suffer with Throat Cancer and Alzhiemers and respectively - they are still alive. Mum has outlived all her 4 sisters but not her elder brother. She's brought her children to a safe place, seen them educated and into work and raising grand children. She's seen her grandchildren become good humans who express love and affection to each other and to her.

The news of her imminent death did not phase her. She is more worried about the nature of the rest of her life. She does not want to suffer.

On the chessboard of the Gods - a Queen is about to die.

It's been a while since I last wrote.

Today the 7year old nephew, J3, broke his hand. Here is what I know.

All 3 nephews are here, having spent the night. The 10 year old nephew (J2)had to attend football practice at 2pm. So All 3 kids and the 2 kids (K1, K2)from Next door and I cycled to the football field.

We we got there, the kids mother was waiting and decided to take the 12year (J1) old and the 7 year old off to her mums. So that left the 10year old and the 2 kids from next door and me. We had fun. I videoed J2 playing football and the K1, K2 playing. We rolled about on the hill, did kart wheels, handstands and numerous dances. Then the kids had a go at videoing too.

I got home had some food and was astounded to see the kid's mum arriving as I looked out the window. This was when she told me J3 is in hospital with broken hand. He apparently was racing down a hill and fell off the bike and bent his hand backwards. This resulted in a dislocated bone and numerous lacerations of the hand. Luckily his head appears to have avoided injury. He was in the park with his eldest brother J3. J3 says J1 was screaming at the time of the injury. He got no help from any adults in the park. He eventually managed to calm down J1 enough for them to negotiate their way home to their grandmothers. Grandma called their mother who then drove the kids to the hospital. J3 is to have a general anesthetic tomorrow and the doctors will then fix the bones of the hand back in the correct position and place a plaster cast on his hand.

Meanwhile my sister is on holiday in Jamaica. She is fortunate that Hurricane DEAN missed her island. She and her child are enjoying the sun while the local mosquitoes are enjoying them.

I last played football about 3 weeks ago but found the injury to the waist kept getting worse the more i played. So I have decided to wait until I feel no pain before planting my feet on the football pitch. However doing handstands, cart wheels, jumping over walls, lifting kids up, swinging them around, rolling down hills, is not going to help my cause.