Lisa Confuses me
Tuesday, 21 February 2006
Yesterday I ignored her. I was facing away from the door so when she came in I didn’t even turn.

Break time we talked.
She said, "What’s the matter?"
I said, "Hey you can come over and say hi."
She said, "She did but cause I had my headphones I didn’t hear her."

Dinnertime she disappeared off. I actually saw her on my way back though whether she recognised me I don’t know. She felt tired and had woken up with a headache, which dogged her the whole day. I even let my guard down to commiserate with her (a single touch to her shoulder) - a kind of apology.

Home time - she was tired, with the headache, so I suggested she go home and sleep. I felt I missed out on giving her a hug. She desperately needed one.

I didn’t go online. I did check emails - nothing.

I watched 5 episodes of 24, series 5. My eyes get wet whenever Jack has a love moment. Lisa just pops into my head, sadness wells high and tears just start their run.


Wednesday, 22 February 2006
I got in early. Lisa got in a little late and my few words lead to a quiet morning.

Break time - I thought she’d twisted her ankle as she came in to the canteen. She eventually explained she’d got a sleepy leg.
So I said, "Want a hot chocolate? Get it yourself".
It made her smile and she said, "He used to be a gent".
So we had a few laughs.

Dinnertime, she wandered off. It was cold outside. I had lunch and a quick walk to the shop.
She came in 10mins late just I set off for an interview for a placement.
I got back in time for the afternoon break. She actually seemed concerned that she might not see me for 2 weeks. Every day she allocates me 30minutes (shared with the other classmates) and she’ll miss me - what is going on in her head? She herself has been promised a placement (but this training place is full of promises - fruition is rare).

Hometime - it was raining so she sheltered for a while. We talked. Her friend had phoned her and wanted her to head off to the friend’s house. Lisa seemed reluctant. I walked her to the bus stop - I couldn’t figure out why she didn’t start walking to the bus top while she was talking to her friend on the mobile. She stayed by the training centre front door while conversing on the mobile. So eventually I, worrying about her getting wet, started walking to her bus stop and then she fell into step. I had asked why she couldn’t call her boyfriend and she’d said he’s working.

How confusing is this? Does this girl know that she holds most of my soul in her hands? Each time I make her smile I glow. Each time she thinks about me I live. Each time she scorns me a spear with barbs goes through my gut. Each time she meets her boyfriend a knife slices my soul. The irony is I KNOW SHE IS UNHAPPY. She has been with this man for 5 years - SHE IS DEEPLY UNHAPPY. She lives for her god-daughter. Lisa spends a lot of time with her god-daughter's mother and doesn't actually make time for herself. I would not be surprised if her boyfriend was already married.

Lisa fears being poor. In her fear she forgets that even though her parents are not rich, she had a wonderful childhood. Money is a poor substitute for happiness. Her boyfriend may well be wealthy but Lisa is not happy.

Perhaps I am talking shit but FUCK IT'S MY BLOG!