Lisa Ignored

Tuesday, 07 February 2006 (02:00)
I was up until 2.00am. I uploaded a sporty photo of me to my shared online photos.

Tuesday, 07 February 2006 (18:20)
6.30 I woke up and did some exercise (haven’t done that to this extent for a while - more for body tone. Shadow box, leg lifts, sit-ups, push-ups). Found I could still do the splits (wow) and get back up smoothly.

8.50 Arrived at training centre waited in canteen listening to my mp3-cd player.
9.00 I went into training room and set up for another day - with my headphones on. Soon she arrived in training room and I said hi with raised eyebrows. She may have mumbled something back - she did smile. I thence ignored her and listened to my music (Ruff with da Smooth). Not long after she wandered over to the room’s radio and turned it on - I did not look up.
It hurt to ignore her and my eyes actually watered a few times - I cleaned the tears away with my hand. The whole day was exhausting and many of us, in the room, went through it yawning.
I looked for a manual for my work and did not find one. I came across a PowerPoint manual and remembered a conversation I had had with the "holidaying-supervisor" regarding giving Lisa PowerPoint training. I took the manual and discussed it with Lisa. She said she’d do it after - in a nice way [not the way it looks in print :) ]. I left it with her. At some time during the morning she did mention her Internet was not working again.

At 10.30 I announced break time to the room and went to the canteen alone. The damned machine was still producing bad drinks (like a replicator gone wrong with no engineer to fix it). I resorted to the drink in my bad. One of the guys from the class joined my table. The other respectfully sat on a nearby table. Lisa walked in and sat on my side of "our" table (usually she sits diagonally opposite me). Perhaps necessity forced her to sit near me. She had the option of sitting elsewhere totally - which would have sent an expected message to me. Well she sat down talked very little, got out her mobile and rudely played with it. I put my headphones back on as the conversation between all 4 of us had come to a halt.

Ironically, she asked me what I was listening to just as the track containing the words "do you know how good it feels to love somebody who loves you" was playing. I passed her the headphones and she listened for about 15seconds and passed it back without comment.

The second half of the morning went much the same way. I did not do my usual fawning around her. I tried to ignore her. She only called me when she needed my help. I could not be cold to her but I refused to faun on her. I helped as any professional would help to resolve her problems. Once done I turned back to my work.
While printing an exercise manual I decided to show her I was fit. I saw a piece of blue take stuck high on a wall. To get to it I would need to climb a table. I did it effortlessly and back down effortlessly. I’m sure she noticed but did not look her way. I get the impression everyone in the room has made assumptions about me. I’m big but quick and fit - but I dress baggy so perhaps they think its all fat.

At 12.30 I packed my bag announced to the room it was lunch hour. Then the supervisor said, "Er no, it starts at 12.45". So I went back to my PC saying "Oh, well I didn’t really want to go anyway." At 12.45 I went to the loo. On the way back I passed Lisa on her way out. I said, "See you later" and went past her without looking back. I had lunch in the canteen.
At 1pm I cycled into town to extract some money from my bank account. The day was windy but mild. My cap almost came off a few times. I got back for 1.30pm and was the first back into the training room. I did not put the headphones on.
One of the blokes was complaining of the day going slowly. I was almost falling asleep on reading my screen. Lisa had been and continued to fill in application forms (via the PC).

During the afternoon she somehow asked my help (I don’t recall how she did it but I’m sure it was not direct - kind of begrudgingly but "PLEASE HELP ME!!"). She had once again lost all the information she had entered on application form. I asked her if she had saved it and she said yes. Lisa is very impatient when it comes to the PC and I am sure to any form of instruction taking. I tried to take her through the steps required and she was racing ahead with results that could have been catastrophic (for her mood). Eventually I got her to type WHERE I SAID and to click WHEN I SAID and we recovered filled application form.

In a way it shows the quality of training they do at this place. Lisa did not know WHERE she had saved her document, she had not thought to give it a meaningful name, she did not read message boxes to see what they were telling her.

Breaktime. I mentioned how sleepy I felt. Lisa said, "is that why you have been so quiet?" I did not respond.

A member of staff walked into the room. Looked around and said, "I’m looking for Sybil".
I said, "Do I look like Sybil?"
He said, "A little lipstick would bring you up a treat."
I said, "Thank you for the compliment."
Lisa chuckled. I did not turn round to glance at her.

4pm. I said "See you tomorrow" and left. I unlocked my bike and cycled home. I got home at 4.17pm. The PC was still thorough-scanning drive F: (since this morning!). I tried to set up my laptop but failed to connect.
I had dinner. But my appetite has lessened the last few weeks. I barely managed a few spoonfuls. I had some water.

5pm. I went to bed and managed 1hour of sleep. Felt a little better.

6.17pm: Had my first recallable dream of Lisa (actually a daydream - officially the best kind - I speak from experience). I dreamt we were both by an apple tree. I picked an apple and could detect through the skin worm holes. For some reason I offered it to Lisa. She then seemed to be undecided between that apple and another. I could not help for I did not know if the apple I had given her was tastier. Interesting. But it is MY dream so it may have no significance. On the other hand I have learnt to respect the views of my subconscious brother.

19.05 Just checked my email - nothing from Lisa - that hurt. It still amazes me that this pain can be one-way. It’s not that I want pity from her. I cannot make her love me. But I cannot make myself UNLOVE her. I’m trying to distance myself - I don’t know how else to handle this situation.

Today is Tuesday. Lisa usually goes out with her friend.

The bitch still hasn’t said anything about either of the CDs I have given her. Is she so self focused? Perhaps I am in love with a wannabe-diva.

Ironic, I remember seeing the "Black Eyed Peas" lamenting the "end of relationships" of 3 of the band. I lament the inability to start one. I think mine is sadder. At least they had the good times. Mine have all been pain times.