17.13 Going Loopy

6.30 Alarm - slap, OFF.
7.00 I awake. I do exercises, shower. Once again the lil guy appears as I go downstairs. He only wants juice this morning and a movie - he soon tires of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” and reverts to “Are we there yet”. I have tea and toast.
I set off at 8.42 and leave him in mom’s care. I arrive at 8.55am. Lisa arrives around 9.30 today. The rain caught her and her woolly coat is soaked. She is breathing fast having run from the bus stop. She’s looking beautiful as ever. Luckily her clothes are dry.
She also tells me of losing her umbrella, to the wind, on her way back from lunch yesterday. She tried to hang on to it but the wind was just too powerful. Then 5 seconds after losing her umbrella a car splashed her as it went through a road puddle.
She is due to start a placement next week for 2 days a week. She also has an interview on Thursday. She then worked away from me for a while. But when she asked me a question I called her over and that was fun working so close to her. I got saucy and she seemed to take it in good spirits.
G was in happier spirits today.
Breaktime. Same old chat - four of us.
After break: I mentioned S and not leaving his contact details so Lisa just asked him for them with the intention of arranging a 4 way meal. Lisa mentioned more strife in her family having spoken to them on her phone yesterday. She says she spent yesterday at home. It appears that now with her sister offline she spends less time online.
12.15 I said bye and left.

I played with the lil guy. We played for ages and then he jumped on my head, while I was under the covers, and I chipped an upper tooth. We played on and as he got excited he bit my right shoulder. Then he cried for his mother. I soothed him and laid him down. He was asleep within minutes. 1.5 hours later his mom rings and I pick up the phone. She says to ring her back. I ring her back and as I start speaking I hear a loud bang upstairs - the lil guy has jumped out of bed and is awaiting at the top of the stairs as I, knowing what is happening, call him to speak to his mum. He comes but cannot speak as he is still waking up.

My sister is feeling better and wants to talk about the relatives who have rung her that she’s not heard from in a decade. She talks and I listen. There is mention of family, unity, god, illness, reason, fete, destiny, etc.

The lil guy wants to play so I play. But its not the same as before I met Lisa. I lift him up, I turn him upside down, I do all his (and every kids) favourite moves. I do it with a smile. But my heart is not fully in it. In my mind this should be 3 of us doing it. The lil guy, Lisa and I. All 3 of us are enjoying the experience. In the lil-guy’s mind it’s probably 4 or 2. As much love as the lil guy is giving it’s not enough to close the hole in my heart - and vice versa. We go through the motions.


4 days have passed since Lisa returned to my vision. In that time her grasp on my soul has tightened. Being away from her gets harder each day. Today is the worst so far. The only person who feels worse than me is the lil guy. Good God it shouldn’t be this hard.
Our last day together is probably tomorrow (a half day). I may well be on a placement next week in a local town. So unless Lisa sets aside some of her evening time we will be apart for maybe 2 weeks. My only hope is that she feels the separation as deeply as I do and that she does something about it. Of course she may well attribute the sadness to being away from her family - damn this sounds like a Hollywood movie. I’d rather Hollywood than Bollywood.

I wonder what her agenda is for tonight.

23.38 Kept myself busy. At times I can forget but not for long. What amazes me is the level of self delusion I am capable of generating. Even now reading over what I have recently typed in I see a man with hope. Yet only days ago I forsaw no hope. There is no logic. If a pill were available to control these raging hormones would I take it?