Lisa back in the picture
16.19

This morning my alarm was so loud it woke up the little guy. He came into my room. I was feeling a little tired and had decided to ignore the alarm for half an hour. I had decided to take a half-day and thus would only be attending the centre for the morning only. I told the lil guy to get into my bed which he did. Then he let out a sad confession. He wanted his mum. I gave the guy a big squeezy hug and talked to him. I told him his mum was in hospital and when she was better we’d go and see her.
“In fact”, I said, “We’ll be going up on Monday and you’ll get to see her”.
“Until then just keep hugging your family lots”.
It seemed to work. For 15 minutes he just lay still and only got up as I got up to get ready for another day. I left him playing on the PC while I showered. I had breakfast (he refused every edible food item and drink - he didn’t eat much yesterday either).
We watched kids TV while I ate and he ignored his toast.
I left him in my mother’s care.

At the centre no sign of Lisa. No emails from her either. G, the girl, was in. V, the missing girl, was back - her last day tomorrow. S, the oldest man, was in - for the last 2 days he’d been “dying” with a viral bug and had lost weight (he looked haggard with bags under his eyes). He said all parts of his body had been hurting, he’d not eaten for 2 days.

Today I really missed Lisa. I thought I was getting over her but suddenly I have a day like today. The longing is proportional to the length of time between contact. The longer I go without talking to her the more it hurts. So she still holds a giant chuck of my soul.
Just before our last Messenger contact I was trawling through “my Lisa emails” and accidentally clicked on a link inviting her to be my online friend (instead of the link allowing me to view my online friends). I felt awkward and wondered if I should email her saying “I didn’t mean to click on that link. You disconnected me so I didn’t intend to force my friendship on you - so please ignore it and take your time in deciding what you want of us - in anything“. I decided not to. I figured either my subconscious let me do the slip or LOKI is playing his games so I’d let the play, play out.

At the centre no emails from Lisa. Afternoon break - no DH in the room, which allowed G to breath easier. I’m getting tired of the centre and look forward to the breaks. Poor V was looking depressed. She has been kicked out of her friend’s house and her boyfriend has also requested she leave his place. She admitted she’d been bitchy lately. She says she’s looking forward to her last day being tomorrow as she has found the staff here is stressing her.

After break one of the staff introduced me to a man who is having problems with his web site (its gone). Apparently one of the partners of his business left taking all access to the company web site with him. While he was there I found out who their domain is registered to and which ISP hosts their web site and when it expires. In doing so I demonstrated my knowledge and probably did myself out of a job (tee hee - but that’s me - 21st century deception is one of my pet hates). Ironically the same company has also purchased networking equipment from a friend of the ex-partner which is failing to talk to do the job. So they cut ties with the Network Company, are lumbered with the networking kit, but have no one to install it. I told him I’d be glad to help but next week (sister) is out of the question. The danger of exploitation is also possible but hey gotta put out to get some :). I may get fucked but at least I’ll know if I’m up to it and they may find they need an IT department (they have over 100 employees).

I left before lunch. The lil guy greeted me at the door. He was happy. He’d been out shopping, had talked to his mum on the phone and seems resigned to getting all his loving needs from the local family.

I had lunch while watching 10th episode of 24 (brilliant again). The lil guy only ate strawberries. His appetite is poor. But he’s still as inquisitive as ever. I checked my emails and WOW Lisa has request me as a friend to one of her 2 online catalogues - sent around 3pm. The lil guy was on my lap as I checked the email. He saw Lisa’s picture and said, “Who’s that?”
I said, “It’s a friend.”
He said, “You’ve got a girl friend! You’ve got a girlfriend!” which made me smile.
I said “No, just a friend”. Which he accepted.
I went online but its now 17.22 and no-one has come online.

The lil guy has gone to spend time and possibly sleep over (he’s against it at the moment) with his cousins. He loves playing with them. They took him to McDonalds but he didn’t eat much.

Sister is in hospital and they intend to cut tomorrow. I’ve now heard from 2 people who have had a direct or indirect touch with cancer, chemotherapy and mastectomy. In one case she had a cancerous tumour which had spread to her lymph nodes. Over 20 years ago they took it all out, she had chemo and was regularly checked on for 15 years. 5 years ago they gave her the all clear and she no longer is checked on. The other case is Lisa’s mum.

19.03 Just finished watching "Stargate SG1 03x05". With my current state its emotional impact was high. My eyes glistened. My nose ran. It’s the virus no doubt ;) .

22.58 Just got back from a late night cycle. I got bored sitting indoors. I’d watched some films earlier (but I’d watched them while wanting to be somewhere else). I’d tried a couple of chat sites but found that boring. My problem is I have no unmarried friends and I am not looking for friendship. So the house got too much. I made up 2 reasons to get out of the house (1. Check out the night-club I’d hoped to take Lisa to. 2. Maybe check out Lisa). I got out the house and cycled through the park. The left side of the park is pretty well lit. As I got into town I stayed on the pavements (having no lights on the bike). Town was pretty empty. The club is closed and is no longer in business. It’s a great shame as this club was totally NON-SMOKING. I decided to carry out my second goal. I cut across red lights, cut across 2 oncoming cars, cycled through her park in the dark (and there were multiple lorries parked in her park - must be something big planned for the weekend). I cycled past her building - lights were on but I don’t know which is her room. I cycled towards home, cut across 2 cars, skidded to a halt by the bridge, halted for traffic on the second bridge and then negotiated my park on the opposite side (the dark side). That was the penultimate adrenaline rush - cycling a dark path, with eyes wide open, trusting that no person has left something on the path (though I had encountered multiple incidences of broken glass). The final adrenaline was as I was nearing the end of the park and encountering another cyclist with no lights dress FULL IN BLACK - a total plebe :). Finally I got home. No more emails from Lisa and she’s NOT online.
But the cycle ride has helped. Before I went I was full of frustration. Now I feel better. Adrenaline has a soothing effect on love angst. It doesn’t last long but it helps.
Looks like the lil guy is sleeping with his cousins. Time for a shower.

23.34 Lisa has just gone online. I am offline (so I’ve decided to wait a suitable amount of time and then I’ll see what I decide to do). I know what I want to do but I don’t want to appear desperate - even if I am :) . I went online, she went "Away", I went offline. C’est La vie. Then to top it off my router crashed and I went totally offline.