Saturday, 11 March 2006
No Lisa

I missed Lisa big time today. I kept checking my Email and nothing ever came. In my mind it’s her turn to “want/call” me. If I send an email before her it would not answer the question “does she miss me?” - I need to know the answer and more importantly so does Lisa. She’s got so many issues rolling about in her mind that I figure its easy for her to confuse which of her thoughts is generating which emotion. E.g. is her sadness due to missing her sister, her goddaughter, both, more? So much as it has pained me through the day I have not budged on this point.

12pm: The lil guy and I played (me with a leaden heart and painted smile for most of the time) wrestling on the bed, monster in the bed, cars on the bed, hide-seek.

Yesterday I’d offered the lil guy the chance to once more spend time with his cousins. He’d refused wanting to spend time with me (wow). Maybe on some level we both know we play with painted laughs.

2pm: I finally convinced the lil guy that we’d have fun outside. I convinced him that we could take his cars and find a park where we could play with them. It was my intention for him to once again ride on my bike but no said he. He mounted his tricycle and I walked - so my side excuse of visiting Lisa’s park dissipated like a dream on waking. The lil guy’s legs pumped and pumped as we headed to our local “big” park. Eventually we got there and his eyes lit up. He parked his bike in the quietest part of the park. He seems to be a loner (maybe it’s the current situation). He played solo on the slide - only calling to me for interesting info he’d garnered. He crawled through the “nursery jungle gym”. He then got me to swing him on the nursery swings. He got angry as I refused to help him out, but as people arrived, he decided he’d let me swing him some more. Eventually he listened to me as I talked him out of the swing - a feat he achieved magnificently.
He then journeyed to the busy part of the park and tried the junior jungle gym. He got stuck on the “bendy ladder”. But he got over his panic as I told him what to do. Then he climbed Mount Everest. He tried the hardest route first - I caught him. Then he found the ladder in the middle and climbed up. Now it was my turn to be afraid for him. He wouldn’t listen to me as I chose a path for him to journey down. No suddenly peer power had a hold of him as an 8-year-olds advice merited his attention. So I let the boy talk him on how to navigate the same ladder down as he’d taken up. To be fair the boy’s advice was sensible and the lil guy got down. He then went back up again.
Thence to the merry-go-round. The lil guy sat I spun. I span so well that 2 more “less-lil-guys” wanted to get on and partake of my energy. Ironically the 2 wanted to get off before the lil guy - though it was only because they wanted to join a football game. The lil guy played on a few more things before I mention crisps. Then he found a table and he ate. Then he wanted to play with his cars (in his coat pocket). I suggested it would be warmer back home. He agreed and off home we set off.

Home: We had some food. I was feeling tired (dehydrated probably). I checked emails again and Messenger - nothing. I put on a PC game for the lil guy and showed him how to play and then left him to it. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. The lil guy too tried to grab my attention by lying on my back and then next to me.

In the evening we watched the first 2 episodes of Indiana Jones. He loved the 2nd one - apparently he watches it a lot at home.

I had to go to the shops. I decided to try and relieve my angst at the same time. So in near darkness I cycled to Lisa’s park. I didn’t stay long. I just breathed in the air, took in the view. It’s as if my soul knows it has been split and that Lisa holds some of it. By being there it allows the 2 half’s to get reacquainted. I did feel better when I got home - maybe it was just the adrenaline rush. Ironically as I went on the PC she was on Messenger “Away: Preparing a meal for her goddaughter”. I did not hail her as she ignored me last time I did. And this does not constitute a direct hail to me.

9pm: The lil guy reminded me to call his mom. She was having a “party” with her fellow bed-ridden. She is feeling better but still has one drainage tube attached to her. No date has been set for her leaving. The lil guy then fell asleep.

Summary:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...