In the past 6 days, Nada from Lisa and Nothing from L2.

But it is Lisa I keep checking for. No Email. I know she’s been online as one of her online photo albums shows when she last logged on.

Over the past few days she’s the one who I wake up and mull over. She’s the one who’s thought processes confound me. I have considered and even voiced to football acquaintances the idea of going out to see the nightlife but alas only to those who already are in relationships (some with regrets but not enough to offset the benefits - it would appear). Singles clubs scare me silly, even though logic puts forward concrete arguments, emotionally I just can’t get up the courage to attend.

Next week I begin another work trail, with another training organisation, with “the possibility of a job” - though I won’t hold my breath. It’s a role I’ve never done but am willing to try. I’d rather be busy than not - so fuck the money.

The lil guy has chicken pox. He sounded so glum over the phone. He got it from his nursery. My sister is still awaiting the start of the chemotherapy. She is getting stronger day by day. But this will probably change when the chemotherapy starts.

In her Majesty’s Presence
Today is my last day as an official member of “The Training Place”. So today is also my last day at the “2nd placement”. Today the day has been totally disconnected.

I finally bumped into Lisa, gave her a hug, talked about 3 sentences, then she was called by her boss. I left to finish off paper work at “the training place”. As I returned to the “2nd placement”, Lisa and her boss were leaving the “2nd placement” - how sad is that.

I also cut myself today and seemed to generate “annoying vibes” to the training staff.

As a result my parting was anti-climatic and disappointing. R didn’t really say goodbye, I did, A was the nicest in saying good luck, L2 just say bye - no hug, no handshake, no sign of any sort - that was the saddest part.

So here I am at home. The run of 13 weeks is complete. My heart has been opened up, torn apart and continues to bleed emotions throughout my body. My head is running emotion-software with no known solution (like a bloody prime number search program - it never stops).

I really thought I had given the girls 2 weeks of fun - but that was a cold departure.

Today I finally started seriously watching Prison Break - one of Lisa’s favourite shows. I knew I’d like it and I do - I had wanted to avoid getting hooked on another “good” show. But it appears I have time on my hands. However, whether watching TV shows, playing with the nephews, talking to family - there is always a hole, a persistent absence, that I feel in all my actions. I am totally aware of loneliness now.

I sprained the left side of my groin on Wednesday and carried on playing and thus made it worse. So I will probably avoid football this weekend.

14th April 2005 2.30am - nothing from Lisa.

SNIP SNIP

Since my last entry I’ve emailed Lisa a couple of apologies without getting a direct response. She’s sent a couple of GENERAL emails “to all those in her address book”. Today I discovered she’s cut me off one of her "friends list" (one of two).

The past 2 weeks I’ve enjoyed my time at the 2nd placement. The 2ndLisa (L2) is a good laugh and highly intelligent. She is attached (which was made clear early on) and so it’s been fun flirting without any serious expectations. Time with her has actually made the Lisa inattention easier to bear. Ironically I have missed her friendship more.

I had hoped L2 would become a friend but she hasn’t contacted me throughout the 2 weeks. Last Friday we all went out (ex staff and current staff) had drinks and a meal. Alas no one wanted to end up on a dance-floor.

My time at “The training centre” draws to a close this Friday (the day Jesus died). It appears I will have closure on more points than I bargained on. On a logical level losing Lisa seems sensible, as she has not been a reliable friend. On an emotional level it’s still a fact that she possesses part of my soul and I still dream about a relationship. I still have no evidence that she has “boyfriend”. But again I can see logic and emotion begin the argument again - so I will cease here.

Meeting people has been the best thing to come out of these last 3 months. Especially meeting girls. Meeting boys is what I have been doing over the past 2 years - playing football that is. I had given up on ever forming a relationship and had resigned myself to bachelordom for life. But suddenly meeting Lisa and L2 caused dormant hormones to open up and flood me with latent feelings. My only dilemma is how to keep meeting girls - as I look for the next possessor of my heart. I don’t have any unattached friends. The idea of going alone to a nightclub brings on mild panic - though I have done it before. I attended a salsa club in the past 2 weeks but again did not feel it would lead to a friend - that particular club was too crowded.

So nothing is resolved.

My sister has left some eggs in a hospital fridge and is due to start chemotherapy soon. It’s for 6 months. She is still positive in thought at the moment. Say a prayer for her when you are saying one for yourself - and maybe, just maybe, put in a good word for me.