In her Majesty’s Presence
Today is my last day as an official member of “The Training Place”. So today is also my last day at the “2nd placement”. Today the day has been totally disconnected.

I finally bumped into Lisa, gave her a hug, talked about 3 sentences, then she was called by her boss. I left to finish off paper work at “the training place”. As I returned to the “2nd placement”, Lisa and her boss were leaving the “2nd placement” - how sad is that.

I also cut myself today and seemed to generate “annoying vibes” to the training staff.

As a result my parting was anti-climatic and disappointing. R didn’t really say goodbye, I did, A was the nicest in saying good luck, L2 just say bye - no hug, no handshake, no sign of any sort - that was the saddest part.

So here I am at home. The run of 13 weeks is complete. My heart has been opened up, torn apart and continues to bleed emotions throughout my body. My head is running emotion-software with no known solution (like a bloody prime number search program - it never stops).

I really thought I had given the girls 2 weeks of fun - but that was a cold departure.

Today I finally started seriously watching Prison Break - one of Lisa’s favourite shows. I knew I’d like it and I do - I had wanted to avoid getting hooked on another “good” show. But it appears I have time on my hands. However, whether watching TV shows, playing with the nephews, talking to family - there is always a hole, a persistent absence, that I feel in all my actions. I am totally aware of loneliness now.

I sprained the left side of my groin on Wednesday and carried on playing and thus made it worse. So I will probably avoid football this weekend.

14th April 2005 2.30am - nothing from Lisa.