Ever so lo lo lo lo lonely

9:21pm
Been feeling very lonely these past few weeks/months. Especially after finishing work. All I seem to have is home. It doesn’t feel enough. I not only miss love I also miss friends. My need to actually go somewhere and converse, laugh, share the moment, flirt has taken on hormonal magnitude. Having a laugh on online games no longer cuts it.

I tried a couple of dating web-sites. Date.com comes over as a scam. You have to pay to actually receive emails. Soon after the free registration point you mysteriously get someone who is interested in you - PAY NOW AND SEE THIS PERSON (with a photo of a beautiful woman). YAHOO PERSONALS turns out to be a similar con - you assume it’s going to be free. It ain’t. GUMTREE - reply to the advert and you get directed to a porn site. Yahoo Groups didn’t contain a group that I would feel comfortable in.

The last 2 Sundays I intended to pop into the night club. However I used the excuse of rain to not attend. Finally this Tuesday I made my way to a Latino nightclub. I waited and walked 1 hour before catching a bus at 10.40pm. Ironically when I made it to the night club there are around 13 people in it. Luckily I recognised 2 of my footy mates. Weird how much comfort you get from just knowing someone. Weird because I didn’t utter more that 20 words to them the whole night. I also knew the DJ as a footy mate. More irony/design - this night club is a favourite of the footy boys as many of them are Portuguese, it also it the night club that Lisa attends on a Tuesday.

For the first hour none of my mates ventured on the dance floor. I jiggled by the bar with a soft drink in my hand costing 60units. More footy mates started arriving after the hour of jiggling. The place started getting a vibe from Midnight onwards. When Big-C, footy dancer, arrived he very soon ventured onto the dance floor. 15 minutes later I started dancing too - not with him but I had my excuse to start doing objective 2 for the night (objective 1 - see Lisa and see how it goes, objective 2: have fun and dance). I hardly left the dance floor for 2 hours. As I danced on the floor I spotted Lisa around 1am by the bar. We avoided each other’s glances for about 1 hour. Finally when we both glanced at each other I waved to her and she waved to me. I thence ignored her - directly.

I did not fail to notice she was beautiful. There was no fat on that body. She enjoyed dancing. She enjoyed the touch of many a man. There were some spectacular women on the dance floor too. However no one seemed interested in lil ole me. So I danced and danced.

I left at 2.20am and walked home. I got home at 3.30am. I was bushed. I showered and got up for work at 6.30am. Right now after a full day of work I AM BUSHED. My legs are feeling the effects of 2 hours of aerobics. No emails from Lisa have come - yes I still live in hope.

In summary:
I am glad I went out yesterday. I enjoyed showing my dance abilities (though I do not know how others rated them). I loved seeing Lisa. I hated the feelings that seeing Lisa aroused. I envied the men who danced with her, who touched her, who seemed to have hope, who disappeared at the end of the dance. When I left Big-C was dancing towards her. His reputation for conquering women is legendary on the footy pitch. I wonder if he achieved “my aim” for himself. The long walk home was spent in self-examination, evaluation of the night, of my reactions or lack, of what-ifs, or re-evaluations of the past. Ultimately nothing was resolved. Currently I am aiming to go out on Saturday and Tuesday. I wonder if she’ll show up on Tuesday.

My sister has now lost all her hair. She’s had her second chemo shot. She’s been feeling flu like symptoms on and off for a week around the chemo shot. I haven’t seen the lil guy.

My hamstring continues to twinge so no footy - I tried to avoid real stretching exertions during the dancing last night. I almost induced cramp, while on the dance floor, when bending my leg to pick out glass from the bottom of my shoes. But luckily putting the foot back down eased that trend. I had feared that I might suffer cramp when I went to bed but only insomnia plagued me - initially.

Sadly I made no new friends. Maybe next week. I can but try. Failure - I am used to. Success would be nice. Only 1 girl did I see NOT SMOKING. Even Lisa lit an ordinary fag.