CANCER SPREADS

6.30 The alarm goes off.

6.45 I woke up. No Contact from Lisa. I did my exercises. I showered and ironed a shirt and had breakfast. I left the house and watched the bus leave without me. I started to walk in hopes of catching a more direct bus on the main road. However traffic was heavy and as I approached the third bus stop my “missing bus” (missing cause the LED sign had not mentioned it, even though the timetable had) appeared so I got on it. I arrived at the “2nd placement” a couple of minutes late.

The only staff in was L. F was off (though the gossip is she’s attending an interview). R is still off sick.
So L and I had to amalgamate 2 sets of candidates and draw up a plan of action. We sent 7 of the team with a non-teaching member of staff to visit the museum.
I helped the rest of the candidates with their IT work while L did some admin and interview work.

After break L and I (mostly L) devised a plan of action for the afternoon. Before Lunch L explained what the candidates had to do after lunch. Some of them decided to go and start during lunch break.

We had lunch.

After lunch we set off to do the very exercise we’d set out candidates to do. We’d given them 15 questions they had to get answers to. They would have to walk around town to get the answers.
I actually had fun walking around and even doing a bit of shopping with L.
We got back at 3.55pm.

5pm: I got home. No Contact from Lisa. Though I can see Lisa has been online again.
I had dinner and watched a movie “Taxi” with Queen Latifa. I then watched the latest episode of 24.
However it’s painful watching or doing anything while wondering what’s Lisa up to, how is she, does she miss me, is it over, am I doing the right thing, etc. I keep wondering what it is I am doing wrong.

My sister has been for her results. There are 3 grades of cancer 1,2,3. She has type 2. The cancer the found in her tit is 1.8. Of the 13 lymph nodes in the tit they found the cancer had spread into 1. Since the lymph system is like a motorway they have no way of knowing how far the cancer-cells might have travelled down the lymph system. Thus they have proposed she have chemotherapy for 6months. This can begin in 2 weeks time.
Since she still wants to have kids she is exploring the idea of storing some eggs before the chemo begins.
SO IT AIN’T OVER YET.

The lil guy has managed to make it into his first choice school and will start later this year. Speaking to the lil guy on the phone it is amazing how much his diction has improved. It is like talking to a little adult.

Salsa Alone

7.00am I woke up. I had a shower. No contact from Lisa. I had breakfast and left the house at 8.17am. I caught the bus. I got to the “2nd placement” at 8.50am.
One of the supervisors is off ill and this has caused the whole program to change for the day. More staff is being given notice. The consensus is that the company is trying to balance their books before the end of the financial year. Apparently it happens every year. The result is and edgy and displeased staff. Even the staff that is left is applying for new jobs left, right and centre.
Anyway morning I spent in the classroom watching them go through the 24 hour clock. After break I assessed a candidate doing a numeracy assignment - I helped by explaining the wording to her - so that her lack of English did not affect her numeracy knowledge.

Afternoon I spent aiding the class as they used the computer to look for jobs or improve their language skills.

I got home at 5pm (the traffic was heavy and I came home by bus). No contact from Lisa. I had dinner.

8.00 I caught the bus and made it to the Salsa class (my first time). The floor was packed mainly with students. I joined the class on the borders. I could not see the teacher and had to follow the steps of those I could see. The class became more fun when we started partnering. The class lasted for 1 hour. The intermediate class followed at 9.30pm - but we were advised to only attend it after 6 beginner’s lessons. I had intended to stay until 2am. But after the beginner’s class ended. A few people left, others returned to the own cliques. So for 10minutes I was alone with a glass of water watching. So I made the decision and left.

I walked past the place that Lisa goes on a Tuesday but from my brief glance the place was practically empty - she probably goes there a lot later (first the movies). I got home around 10.30pm. No contact from Lisa. However she has been online today according to her online photo catalogue - it shows the last time she logged on.
I miss my friend - indifferent though she is.

Thank you Bus Driver
6.30pm The alarm rang. I got up fairly quickly though I felt tired. I did my exercises. I had a shave and shower. I had breakfast. I dressed smart casual as I am heading for my placement.
8.20 I got out of the headed for the bus stop. The bus was already there and I missed it. I watched it go without me and as it got to the end of the road noticed it was waiting for traffic to pass. I decided to run and managed to get to the bus stop just as the bus was pulling away. I tapped twice on the door, hopefully, and it worked. He stopped and let me on. I thanked him. Surprisingly I was not as out of breath as I expected.

8.50 I got to the “2nd placement”. No one was expecting me. The IT man, I was meant to be helping, has been fired as they have decided the company no longer needs an IT department. They put me with a member of staff called...wait for it....here it comes.....just a minute...called....LISA (BOOM BOOM) - alas not “my” Lisa. Ironic even in the first placement I encountered a LISA.
LISA LISA everywhere and all the broads do shrink
LISA LISA everywhere boy do I need shrink
So I spent the whole day with her and her candidates. We went on a “day trip” where we listened to people talk. We had a free lunch.

5pm I got home. Lisa picked up my mother’s day greeting at 5pm. She has not emailed me back. I had lunch - steak and kidney pie - TOO HEAVY! Plus I haven’t had enough water today.

Felt very tired and managed to get a nap.

21.00 Watched “The Cave”. Good movie.
23.45 Still nothing from Lisa. I missed her most on my journey from the “2nd placement”. Whenever I am alone with no distraction my brain automatically mulls over Lisa. Lisa this, Lisa that, what if, but this, but that, I’m a fool, look at it logically, forget her, oh that was funny, My goddaughter pulls my knickers down too, I read in the loo too, El Nino, etc, etc.

This is life.

Happy Mother’s Day

10.30am I woke up - Very late for me. I could hear the kids running rampant already - the lil guy and his 3 cousins. Nothing from Lisa in the emails. Breakfast was 2 fried eggs, toast and tea.

The cousins went out with their dad. He’s hunting for suits for them as they have a wedding to attend next weekend.

The lil guy finally completed the kids computer game “Putt Putt saves the Zoo”. He’s been playing it on-and-off for the past week. The idea is to find the zoo babies. He found 2 the first time and I saved the game when he got bored. Today he found the final 4. The last 2 he had a lil help from his cousins. Every time he found an animal he jumped off my thigh and gave me a great big squeezy hug.

The boys spent most of the weekend in their imaginary worlds (chasing each other around the house) and computer games and PS2 games.

Emotionally I wasn’t too bad today. I kept hoping for something from Lisa. But I am beginning to realise that she has no where near the depth of feeling for me as I have for her. I had hoped that once we spent time together she’d actually feel she’d met the real me. That only happened on Friday but then look at her response on Saturday to the “idea” of a relationship with me. And even on Friday the “boyfriend” was still a figure hanging over us as well as her friends.
So over the weekend I just tried to keep busy or occupied. Saturday I watched movies with the family. We watched GOAL and a bit of “The Weatherman” (had to stop this when the swearing interrupted the kids’ games). I also played Urban Terror online (yeah an old game) but I can no longer play for hours on end because my mind continues to mull while playing.

At around midday I sent her a yahoo greeting “Happy Mother’s Day”. I meant it as friendly note regarding her and her goddaughter. But knowing my luck I wouldn’t be surprised if raises some bad memory in her past.

My sister brought some flowers for our mum and our mum brought a card for my sister on behalf of the lil guy. We were contemplating going out but decided to wait for healthier days in terms of people and other things.

9.00pm My sister and the lil guy left today. So I now have 3 hollow places in my heart.

Tomorrow I am at the second placement where I may well, according to Lisa, get a chance of crossing her path as she does her rounds on her placement. I wonder how that will go.

Email Blues
10am: I got up. I actually had about 3 hours good sleep and then sporadic sleep, sporadic thoughts about the night and the future.
I sent Lisa an Email:
Hi Lisa
I , eventually (LOL), had a wonderful time.
I would like to have more.
I hope you feel the same.
Love
Thewellfunnyman

I learnt that S had phone at around 8.30am. I phone him at 10.30am and explained how the night went and of Lisa’s explanations.

Lisa picked up my email at 2pm. She then emailed me at 2.30pm:
Hi TheWellfunnyman,
I had fun too yesterday. Sorry again for all the mixed ups and delays.
S sent me a text today apologising. He said it was the tequilas :)
He also made a comment that I didnt quite understand about you and me. Something that you told him and he now thinks that there is something between us. Did not quite understood.
Have a nice weekend.
Lisa

I read a little anger in this. It angered me that she would be “offended” with the idea of an “US”. It suddenly turned a positive day into a shitter of a day. One again the YO-YO Bitch is back in her seat. So I emailed her:

Hi Lisa
I didn't tell S there was anything between us. I hinted at my feelings. I hinted at my hopes. It's what you do when the focus of attention isn't there for 1.5 hours - and remember at the time we were simmering.
So I am sorry if he's concluded actions on your part based on feelings on my part.
To my knowledge you've never expressed your feelings verbally.
Have a nice weekend too
TheWellfunnyman

23.05 So far nothing from Lisa.

Friday, 24 March 2006
Lets Meet, Lets Not

8.00 No contact from Lisa.
8.45 Left the house. Cycled and arrived suitably sweaty to the training centre. Only half the candidates turned up. Lisa did not turn up - as I said and as her email implied. I asked for S’s phone number but was refused. Luckily one of the guys remembered his surname and I used the Internet to locate his address (luckily it’s an unusual surname). I did ask one of the staff to ring him and ask get his permission to give me his number - they never did. But staff member Sxxxxx is notorious for her promises and lack-of-memory-recall.

Breaktime another candidate turned up and tells me of her family problems that would make any of us grateful for the family we have.

12.45 Half Day: Still no contact from Lisa
I cycled to S’s house. He was not there. So I left him a note, the address and a map to XXXXXXX. I then went shopping. I purchased a designer T-shirt, 2 plane white V-neck T-shirts and 1 pair of jeans. The purchase of the designer T-shirts was amusing as I couldn’t find the fitting rooms so was stripping in public (waist up). And why is it before you strip its empty THEN as you strip people walk by. I failed to find a comfortable pair of trousers. I finished shopping at 4pm. I cycled home. I had some food.

5pm. S phoned. He got my message and said it wasn’t needed as he’d bumped into Dickhead in town and he’d bumped into Lisa in town. Lisa had conveyed more info to him than I had. Lisa had said she’d be at XXXXXXX at 10.30pm. So S and I decided to meet elsewhere at 8pm and then make our way to XXXXXXX afterwards.
It was funny as I was talking to S on the phone dressed in just my boxer shorts. The lil guy bursts into my room tries to grab my attention and fails. He then grabs the back of my boxer shorts and pulls them down to my ankles. Luckily no one else was about. I carried on talking to S in a naked state with the lil guy laughing his head off.
I dressed, got the nod from my sister and set off.
I met S, we attended a function which kept us busy until 9.30pm. He had a kebab and we caught a bus to XXXXXXX and got in about 10.30pm which cost us 500units each. We searched and failed to find Lisa. S sent a text to her.
11pm she texts back “Just finished eating - be there soon“. 30 minutes pass. We wait facing the front doors. Still no sign of Lisa. Then S checks his mobile and Lisa has texted “They won’t let us in, are u still in there?“. S says it’s 5min old and goes into the foyer to find her. She’s not there. S texts back “Where are you?”. She texts back, “We are heading to YYYY“.

We leave feeling angry heading to YYYY. Why did she not wait for us before setting of to YYYY? The walk to YYYY is like a simmering kettle heading to boiling point.

At YYYY, we see Lisa and her friend at the door. She seems a little shocked. S was on the mobile to her as we approached her and didn’t like the smile she gave her friend as she was talking to him - like a conspirational smirk. After a brief talk we decide to go in. S pays for all 4 of us at 300units each. But once inside the girls seem to stick together and we feel left out. They hang around the bar and S notices they seem to know the guy behind the bar. So far there’s been no greetings, no hugs, no enthusiasm, no apologies, no reactions. S gets Lisa to introduce her friend. Her name is P. L gets some drinks and S hands me a half coke - I don’t know who got it (He’s been drinking Tequila and cokes at XXXXXXX). S then wanders over to the side of the club. Lisa and P stay by the bar. I hang around nearby waiting for some kind of inclusion. Then I wander over to S and we discuss the coldness and the feeling of not feeling comfortable. S decides to leave. He says his goodbyes to the girls and heads out. I wander over and Lisa is busy with 2 mobile phones. I ask if she has managed to contact the rest of her party in XXXXXXX. She says that’s what she’s trying to do. Her own phone is out of credits. She is deep into using thumbing away on the phones.

Finally we begin talking. Lisa’s friend is P who hails from Portugal too and is intent on heading back to Portugal in 2weeks time having spent 7 years in this country. I explain why S left and how I felt. She pleads being “that” way when trying to please too many people at the same time. We hug as we accept each other’s version of the evening’s events. We stayed until around 2.30am. P’s boyfriend turned up around 12.30am which made her smile and begin enjoying herself. No one wanted to dance. The whole evening was spent in chatting. However it seemed to go swiftly. One shock was seeing Lisa smoke - she only smoked the one-half the whole evening. I watched them read the emotion on my face and pass face expressions amongst themselves. There were pauses when I wished I could just place an arm over her shoulder but never did - well the myth of the boyfriend is still unproven and her friend would know the boyfriend if he exists so how could I even venture into that zone?
As we left I gave Lisa a hug and a peck on the cheek. Her friend also came over to say bye and I did the same to her. I shook P’s boyfriend’s hands. They headed over to the taxis. I headed off in the opposite direction. I was lucky enough to get a lift home - not with them though.

Probably just as well I did not dance as the new shoes ripped into the back of my left ankle.

Overall I enjoyed the openness of our conversations. She confirmed that it was her sister who had broken Internet contact with me (the week she was sick). Lisa had apparently explained the situation to her and her sister had said “Ahh” - as in “ahh that’s sweet”. Lisa said for her it took ages to ensure a friendship. I said with me I knew instantly when someone was to be a good friend. She said she was deeply shy.

Cold Turkey

No contact from Lisa yesterday. Yesterday I did a late night cycle ride to lessen the knot of tension that builds up when you’re crazy over someone. Pitch black, no lights, high speed, river :) - I got home ok and in good health.

Today. No contact from Lisa. I did, I think, see her during my lunchtime. But for some panic reason I decided not to confront her. I don’t know the logic of taking either action (i.e. avoid her or confront her). I think she saw me too.

18:38 I just tried the last desperate act. I phoned her and she let it go into Answer-machine. I did not leave a message. Earlier today I sent an email, I sent an SMS. So I now know I did just about all I could to make today happen (the going out). She, on the other hand, has done everything to ensure it does not (other than suggest it in the first place).

18.49 She picked up my Yahoo Greeting.
19.39 No contact from Lisa. I am still “a friend” as she has not disconnected me from her online network.

So I have resolved to cure myself of this addiction. I’m gonna go cold turkey. No more messages from my end. No more phone calls or SMS. No more journeys to her park (tough as I like her park). No more perusals of her online photos.

In many ways she’s been a good thing in my life - she woke me up. I have feelings again (beyond family). So if she is a tool of God then perhaps her work is done. But perhaps she works for the other guy. You can see how my head wobbles from thought to thought. A curse of being a comedian - as is being perpetually sad.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life (and incidentally, that word again, Lisa is meant to be in “The Training Centre” tomorrow). NO I DON’T KNOW HOW I WILL HANDLE IT! I have good money at the betting shop that she will fail to turn up.

The lil guy is happy and still here as is his mom - they missed a Monday appointment and were rebooked for this coming Monday. My sister is chilling, watching movies, and enjoying her son. Lots of her friends have popped in and visited her. I kinda envy her having so many friends - wonder if they sell friends in the supermarket? I just rang the store. They do sell FRIENDS at the supermarket.

Damn just when the script was finished! THIS HAPPENED!
19:54 Contact by Lisa (Note - lack of feelings in tone, lots of friends as bodyguards LOL). I intend to attend with the motto “Nothing to lose, Everything to gain“. However this could be VERY EMOTIONALLY PAINFUL. The idea of bring S is a good one as it allows us to chat (and stops me being a lone cog in a well-oiled machine). Here is the email:

Hi thewellfunnyman,
I’m sorry I couldn’t meet you today but I had a very long interview and I have an early meeting in the new place I’m doing the placement.
Are you back in “the training place”? How is it going? Having fun with the staff? :)
I am going for drinks with some friends in town tomorrow night. If you want to come and have a drink we'll be in XXXXXXX . You should come with S.
See you soon,
LISA

Monday, 20 March 2006
Lisa - The Smile of Diamonds.

In the morning I journeyed to “The Placement Company”. They had not considered “content” for their web-site. So I left it with them and said they should give me a call when they were ready. I then left and journeyed to “The Training Company”.

There I met Lisa. I said Hi and we talked a bit. Once again she didn’t go into detail as to what she did over the weekend. I let her know what I got up to.

I was allowed to go home at lunchtime. I said bye to Lisa and she responded. Surprisingly as I walked down the road, I looked back and saw Lisa running towards me. She was a little disappointed, as she’d hoped to make me jump. We walked together into town. She had an interview later that day - so just as well I decided to go home cos she’d not be there in the afternoon. She asked me how I was and I kept saying fine (only later did I wonder if she was looking for the truth - i.e. my heart is aching with longing for you heart song response).
I assumed she was heading for her usual lunch appointment and said bye at a road junction. She then said I should give her a call for a good time to meet up. I suggested Thursday (I casually mentioned later that day but got no response) and she seemed doubtful but agreed. As I left I wondered what it all meant.
It was much later that I realised I had assumed she was going to a lunch meet. See Lisa lets very little emotion through her shield. Maybe she wanted to spend more time - since I had plenty to spare. But I could be wrong. This has all the hallmarks of a Hollywood misunderstandings movie.

Later that evening I managed to see her online but we failed to communicate. Our times went awry and my last message was “see you when I see you”. I have no idea whether she feels hurt by something I did earlier in the day.


Tuesday, 21 March 2006
Spring Resolve

No contact from Lisa at all today.

I’ve been doing lots of thinking. I am going to try once again to connect. I will try and ensure Lisa and I get time together. I hope we do meet up Thursday - after all she pulled out of last Saturday. This time I’ll let her know, if she asks - she already knows since my last email said “I only think of you between breaths”. Maybe she wants to hear it. But when we do talk people we have to work with usually surround us. Lunchtimes she never makes time for “us”. Evenings, despite my best efforts, she has refused to meet up - it’s been 2 months.

Play it again, Sam.

Sucker

23.08 No contact from Lisa today. She’ll probably email with some tragedy that will make me feel stupid for feeling like the only victim.

Today I managed to get on my bike for the first time in a week. I cycled to near Lisa’s park around 4pm. No sign of Lisa but I didn’t look for her beyond the park. I spent some time mulling nearby in the green fields.

Earlier I played football with the nephews. Around 5pm they entertained themselves with the neighbours (2 girls of around their ages). The lil guy took a football full in the face, cried a lil bit, but soon was back in the game.

Ironically every time I make a comment on Lisa’s online catalogue she deletes my comments. When I mention some of her “profile comments”, in my emails, she deletes those statements from her profile. It just strikes me as weird. Do they have schizophrenia in Portugal?

Sister and Son

23:19 No contact from Lisa through out the day. Musta scared her again with my email - I get the feeling she doesn’t know what she wants from one moment to the next. Onto other news.

Sister and boyfriend decided to come down today. They sure surprised the lil guy. Boyfriend returned home to work. Sister is staying for a few days. Sister is feeling tender.

The boys occupied themselves most of the day. We did play hide-n-seek and monster games. But the boys took turns playing PC games and general running around and chasing one another.

8:12 PM Lisa

Wednesday I managed to just work hard and thought I was handling the loss of Lisa well.
Thursday was a different story. I missed her. I even looked up events I could go to just begin filling the hollow area she’s left in my heart.

The lil guy misses not seeing me as I now get home late. Wednesday I was so bushed that after eating I just wanted to go to bed. So I slept from 7pm to 9pm. The lil guy popped in and saw I was tired he then fell asleep too.

I’ve actually been having a hard time getting decent sleep the last few nights. I’ve ended up working on “the Placement Company’s” web-site at around 2am-4am. They lost their original one when an ex-director deleted it. They also got a contractor, supplied by the ex-director, to fit a wireless network. Only problem was it never worked - so they sacked the contractor. I fixed it in two days - well they had no manuals, no drivers, no disks, and no broadband - so in effect I fixed it in one day. I set up WEP security. The funny thing is there are almost a dozen other wireless networks floating around their building.

Today I’ve “finished” their web-site. The only thing missing “IS THEIR BLOODY INPUT”. So I printed off what I typed in and hope they can supply sheets of relevant info for Monday.

Today I got an email from Lisa. I opened it while I was at my placement, around 3pm. So I couldn’t reply to it. In a way it cheered me up even though it promised nothing. Here are the contents

hI tHEWELLFUNNYMAN,

Thank you so much for your e-mail and for all the nice things you said about me. It made me happy.

How is your work placement going? Are you enjoying it? I am really enjoying mine. I think I will like working there. The staff is very nice and friendly.

I went yesterday to the Training Centre and I hated it. Only G was there and she found a job. She is starting a week monday. She was quite happy. We talked all afternoon and did nothing else :) It is weird without you there...
Staff1 was unfriendly as usual with me. They did not even ask how my interview went and if Im enjoying my training. I told Staff2 but I felt he wasn't paying attention. I did not go today and next week Im only going monday morning.

My interview went well and next week I have a another 2 and hopefully I will start the work placements. I even have my own desk :) and its just around the corner from my house. Pretty great! They also give us tasty lunches (ahahahha).

I hope all is well with you and that we'll meet soon. You must be busy this weekend as your sis is getting out of hospital. I hope she is well. This weekend I also have to do some work for uni and I yhink I will have my goddaughter. Unless we meet saturaday pm with the kids lol

Take care and thanks again for everything.

Kisses,
LISA

I replied to her email at around 7pm. I still have no idea how to handle it. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Here is my reply (Oops yahoo failed to save a copy of my greeting for me).

Gist of message: Missed you. Kids playing, love to meet Saturday, love thewellfunnyman

I shall await further communication.

9:12 PM The Nail in my Heart

Today I am to work in a different town.

The alarm clock failed for a 6am wakeup (I intended some exercise). I woke up at 7am. I had a shower, had breakfast and still missed the bus. I arrived around 9.15am. But they seemed a little surprised as it seems the details had not been ironed out.
So I spent most of the day trying to fit between their needs to use the equipment and my need to try and understand why their wireless computer network has never worked. Just like the training centre the staff were full of promises that lacked reality as a basis. So a promised lunch never materialised.
As I put on my new shoes (I had travelled in comfortable trainers) the new laces on the right show snapped. My Boy Scout training came in handy - 2 reef knots later.
They lacked installation disks, manuals and a broadband connection - so it was hard graft.

I caught the wrong bus when I got back to my town. For some reason I only noticed the unitary digit which is the same for both buses that appear at that stand and head in “generally” the same direction. Alas I caught the one that drops me off far from my home. Coincidentally on the same bus was one of the staff of the Training centre. She never looked up and so I did not interrupt her. I also know she likes to separate work from home - so if I had said hi I would be interrupting her “home” time.

6pm - I finally get home. The lil guy is so chuffed to see me. He’s bouncing around like a bubble in a pop bottle. I change clothes and note that Lisa is on Messenger but she hasn’t sent me any email. So I don’t go begging.
While I eat we watch 20minutes of “The Lion king”, 10 minutes of “Dirty Dancing” and as he gets bored of that too we end up watching “Finding Nemo” for 1 hour. Then he decides he needs activity. So we journey upstairs for wrestling.
15 minutes later we are back downstairs. He had walked into a door edge. So once again we were watching TV - The Simpsons. The lil guy next to me with an ice pack on his head - for 5 minutes. Then he had a wash and we rang his Mum.

My sister was released from hospital today. The last drainage tube is out. We haven’t told the lil guy. She intends to come down, maybe, on Sunday. She still has to go back on Friday for bandage removal and further appointments are scheduled for test results and etc etc.

The lil guy is sharp. As I rang my sister, she says to me “ring me back on my home number”. I hang up and look for the home number. My sister rings, as I was taking too long to find it, and the lil guy picks up and asks her “Why is he looking for the home number?” Even as I heard this from his lips I still had no idea of the mistake I had made. Sharp for a 4-year-old - sharp for any age!

21.12 I check my emails. Lisa has sent me a “Nail for my coffin” email. She refers to my love-approach as a “famous incident”. It looks like she’s going to be training “elsewhere” indefinitely and thus we may not meet up again. She promises drinks one day. More promises. But it does underline “5 year boyfriend” in red ink - I am not sure it’s a boy.
22.10 I’ve just replied to her Email:
Lisa
I hope you placement leads you to your dream.
I am glad for you and sad for me :( .
Meeting you changed my life - at this point words fail me :).
Anyway I hope you are living the moment and not the eternity - or better still both :) .
So if the drinks come to pass, see you then.

Bless you
thewellfunnyman

PS: Sister released today (paroled for good behaviour). Hopefully the lil guy and her will be reunited this Sunday.

I am feeling sad, hollow, lonely.

9:01 PM Hollow Victory

6.30am the alarm - killed it!
9.00am I woke up and decided my sister needed me more than the placement so I called in a family emergency.

We journeyed to see my sister. She is still in hospital with no leave date - day by day monitoring. The lil guy was so eager to go and see her and was pleased as punch when he did. I gave her my final pack of playing cards (the other pack I had given to Lisa). The Lil guy introduced my sister to the game of SNAP :) . Which he then played with his Dad when he arrived. His arrival was a surprise and the lil guy jumped into his arms.

The journey up and the journey down were fun as I sat in the back with the lil guy. However when the lil guy fell asleep my thoughts were always on Lisa. I wondered what I could have done different. I wondered about how incredibly much we had in common. I wondered all sorts of thoughts. I wondered if she was missing me.

When I got home. She had left me a concerned email message (concerned as a friend really) which she had sent at 3.30pm (end of the day concern). I replied with the details. But I decided not to hide my feelings and signed it “Always thinking of you”. I’ll take the consequences.

The lil guy is watching Shrek 2 and will soon be asleep.

It’s All the Lil Guy today.



7.13am Lisa sent me an “indirect mail”. It basically informs her and me other “friends” she’s added more photos to her online album. The last direct email, from her, was Saturday 4th March (wow).

9.11am The lil guy is aware. The day begins. We had breakfast. He managed some cereal and toast today. Outside it’s cold. He watched, at his request, “Chicken Little”. He got bored of it about an hour later.

We ventured outside for 15 minutes. He soon wanted to return to the comfort and warmth.

Lil guy watched and laughed as we used Messenger to talk to his cousin - the winks made him laugh.
We had a long run around the dining room table before lunch. He was bushed. We ran clockwise and then counter-clockwise (to ensure I was not dizzy - kids seem to have their own concept of dizzy).

2.30 We did a little drawing using paints and crayons. He started by painting in pictures but soon moved on to empty papers on which he made his marks and then distributed them to guests and family. I asked him to add his name. He said he couldn’t do an A. I told him to draw a mountain (which he did) and then draw a line across it (which he did). I praised him - he lapped it up and did more. After that we did a session of dancing to “I like to move it move it” - videoed it too :) .

4pm: Still no direct contact from “She who must be obeyed”. I figure she’s probably out with her goddaughter and the mum.

10pm: Still no direct contact. The lil guy had his lunch and ate well. He also had dinner (his stomach rumbled before even mine was aware) and once again ate well. He had a good cry when we ran his mum. But he soon settles when given a good hug. No leave date for mum. The drainage tube is still in her. I may go up and see her tomorrow. The lil guy definitely is. The lil guy watched “Ewoks - The battle for Endor” while playing with his cars :) . He had some warm milk followed by skinned apples while watching the movie. Finally I took him up to bed and he was soon asleep.

Thus endeth Sunday. Perhaps this saga is coming to an end. We will go our separate ways and lose contact. I’m sure I’ve said this before and then suddenly I am back to “Love mode”. Today was easier to bear than yesterday - even though I kept waiting for her “touch”.
Being solo I’ve not really felt the lack of a car. But with the lil guy and the cold weather today I really felt having a car would have enabled us to go places. What would have nice is to have been able to arrange a day out with Lisa and her goddaughter and the lil guy and me. But I get the impression Lisa doesn’t want to meet any of my nephews, as it would mean a closer link to me than she really wants.

Saturday, 11 March 2006
No Lisa

I missed Lisa big time today. I kept checking my Email and nothing ever came. In my mind it’s her turn to “want/call” me. If I send an email before her it would not answer the question “does she miss me?” - I need to know the answer and more importantly so does Lisa. She’s got so many issues rolling about in her mind that I figure its easy for her to confuse which of her thoughts is generating which emotion. E.g. is her sadness due to missing her sister, her goddaughter, both, more? So much as it has pained me through the day I have not budged on this point.

12pm: The lil guy and I played (me with a leaden heart and painted smile for most of the time) wrestling on the bed, monster in the bed, cars on the bed, hide-seek.

Yesterday I’d offered the lil guy the chance to once more spend time with his cousins. He’d refused wanting to spend time with me (wow). Maybe on some level we both know we play with painted laughs.

2pm: I finally convinced the lil guy that we’d have fun outside. I convinced him that we could take his cars and find a park where we could play with them. It was my intention for him to once again ride on my bike but no said he. He mounted his tricycle and I walked - so my side excuse of visiting Lisa’s park dissipated like a dream on waking. The lil guy’s legs pumped and pumped as we headed to our local “big” park. Eventually we got there and his eyes lit up. He parked his bike in the quietest part of the park. He seems to be a loner (maybe it’s the current situation). He played solo on the slide - only calling to me for interesting info he’d garnered. He crawled through the “nursery jungle gym”. He then got me to swing him on the nursery swings. He got angry as I refused to help him out, but as people arrived, he decided he’d let me swing him some more. Eventually he listened to me as I talked him out of the swing - a feat he achieved magnificently.
He then journeyed to the busy part of the park and tried the junior jungle gym. He got stuck on the “bendy ladder”. But he got over his panic as I told him what to do. Then he climbed Mount Everest. He tried the hardest route first - I caught him. Then he found the ladder in the middle and climbed up. Now it was my turn to be afraid for him. He wouldn’t listen to me as I chose a path for him to journey down. No suddenly peer power had a hold of him as an 8-year-olds advice merited his attention. So I let the boy talk him on how to navigate the same ladder down as he’d taken up. To be fair the boy’s advice was sensible and the lil guy got down. He then went back up again.
Thence to the merry-go-round. The lil guy sat I spun. I span so well that 2 more “less-lil-guys” wanted to get on and partake of my energy. Ironically the 2 wanted to get off before the lil guy - though it was only because they wanted to join a football game. The lil guy played on a few more things before I mention crisps. Then he found a table and he ate. Then he wanted to play with his cars (in his coat pocket). I suggested it would be warmer back home. He agreed and off home we set off.

Home: We had some food. I was feeling tired (dehydrated probably). I checked emails again and Messenger - nothing. I put on a PC game for the lil guy and showed him how to play and then left him to it. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. The lil guy too tried to grab my attention by lying on my back and then next to me.

In the evening we watched the first 2 episodes of Indiana Jones. He loved the 2nd one - apparently he watches it a lot at home.

I had to go to the shops. I decided to try and relieve my angst at the same time. So in near darkness I cycled to Lisa’s park. I didn’t stay long. I just breathed in the air, took in the view. It’s as if my soul knows it has been split and that Lisa holds some of it. By being there it allows the 2 half’s to get reacquainted. I did feel better when I got home - maybe it was just the adrenaline rush. Ironically as I went on the PC she was on Messenger “Away: Preparing a meal for her goddaughter”. I did not hail her as she ignored me last time I did. And this does not constitute a direct hail to me.

9pm: The lil guy reminded me to call his mom. She was having a “party” with her fellow bed-ridden. She is feeling better but still has one drainage tube attached to her. No date has been set for her leaving. The lil guy then fell asleep.

Summary:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

15:01 Lisa Orange, Lisa Blues

The lil guy spent the night with his cousins.

7am I woke up and showered. I had leisurely breakfast. The significance of today is that it’s one of “the last days”. Lisa and I are due to stop “serving time” at the training centre in April. But now that we are beginning to be “placed” in places of work, well this day is the last for a while. On Monday I will be attending a different location, as may Lisa. So I wondered if she would feel this day.

8.33 I left the house. I cycled past the training centre at 8.47 and went to the bus stop that, I assumed, Lisa would catch to get to the training centre. She was not at the bus stop. I did a U-turn and arrived at the training centre for 9.00am. Lisa arrived soon after dressed in her boyfriend’s brown jacket - it appeared (me being snide). Under the jacked she was wearing a stunning orange affair along with her favourite belt (sorry got the Oscar’s virus - all those stars and their stunning outfits). The morning was cordial enough. The break was extended and we had a few laughs with G and S. Today was S’s last day.

After break there was little interaction.

Hometime (Half day). S and me waited for Lisa and walked together. I then shook hands with S and Lisa started to walk away so I said bye. I cycled away.

The lil guy had learnt a lesson (He’d opened the door yesterday without checking who was on the other side). Before opening the door a voice of an Ewok said, “Who is it?”
I responded. He opened the door shadowed by his Nan.

He was aggressive and playful (a weird combination) but very touchy-feely. He’d say “get off me!” and then refuse to let you go :) . Eventually his playful side won. As I began eating he began sharing my food (even though he’d already eaten). He ate my greens, he ate my chicken and he ate my mash. He ate well - a different child to that of the beginning of the week.
My brother arrived and took him out.

I then came upstairs with a giant knot building up in my stomach. I thought I would either weep or need to punch my mattress. Tears refused to flow. I closed my eyes and hid under the bed covers and thoughts ran through my head. Thankfully I slept. I woke up feeling calmer - sleep had lessened the bitter pill I had swallowed. 1 hour had passed.

Summary
Lisa hasn’t responded to any of the recent emails. She didn’t seem to feel today was any more significant than any other. She didn’t want to say bye in a meaningful way. SHIT IF SHE TYPED “I DON’T WANT YOU” ON MY HEAD - Would I understand? Every time the phone rings I still think it maybe her - even though she had never NEVER called. I wonder if a local branch of the Foreign Legion exists here?

I await to see what Chronos will deal me. (http://homepage.mac.com/cparada/GML/Chronos.html)

“We are not sure of sorrow,
And joy was never sure;
Today will die tomorrow;
Time stoops to no man's lure”

The gods haven’t played with my soul to this degree ever. It the bitch had told me she was with a boyfriend at the outset I would have kept my soul in check and not let it venture out.
If you, reader, played with ants as a child - beware. The gods are as unfeeling as you were/are.

17.13 Going Loopy

6.30 Alarm - slap, OFF.
7.00 I awake. I do exercises, shower. Once again the lil guy appears as I go downstairs. He only wants juice this morning and a movie - he soon tires of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” and reverts to “Are we there yet”. I have tea and toast.
I set off at 8.42 and leave him in mom’s care. I arrive at 8.55am. Lisa arrives around 9.30 today. The rain caught her and her woolly coat is soaked. She is breathing fast having run from the bus stop. She’s looking beautiful as ever. Luckily her clothes are dry.
She also tells me of losing her umbrella, to the wind, on her way back from lunch yesterday. She tried to hang on to it but the wind was just too powerful. Then 5 seconds after losing her umbrella a car splashed her as it went through a road puddle.
She is due to start a placement next week for 2 days a week. She also has an interview on Thursday. She then worked away from me for a while. But when she asked me a question I called her over and that was fun working so close to her. I got saucy and she seemed to take it in good spirits.
G was in happier spirits today.
Breaktime. Same old chat - four of us.
After break: I mentioned S and not leaving his contact details so Lisa just asked him for them with the intention of arranging a 4 way meal. Lisa mentioned more strife in her family having spoken to them on her phone yesterday. She says she spent yesterday at home. It appears that now with her sister offline she spends less time online.
12.15 I said bye and left.

I played with the lil guy. We played for ages and then he jumped on my head, while I was under the covers, and I chipped an upper tooth. We played on and as he got excited he bit my right shoulder. Then he cried for his mother. I soothed him and laid him down. He was asleep within minutes. 1.5 hours later his mom rings and I pick up the phone. She says to ring her back. I ring her back and as I start speaking I hear a loud bang upstairs - the lil guy has jumped out of bed and is awaiting at the top of the stairs as I, knowing what is happening, call him to speak to his mum. He comes but cannot speak as he is still waking up.

My sister is feeling better and wants to talk about the relatives who have rung her that she’s not heard from in a decade. She talks and I listen. There is mention of family, unity, god, illness, reason, fete, destiny, etc.

The lil guy wants to play so I play. But its not the same as before I met Lisa. I lift him up, I turn him upside down, I do all his (and every kids) favourite moves. I do it with a smile. But my heart is not fully in it. In my mind this should be 3 of us doing it. The lil guy, Lisa and I. All 3 of us are enjoying the experience. In the lil-guy’s mind it’s probably 4 or 2. As much love as the lil guy is giving it’s not enough to close the hole in my heart - and vice versa. We go through the motions.


4 days have passed since Lisa returned to my vision. In that time her grasp on my soul has tightened. Being away from her gets harder each day. Today is the worst so far. The only person who feels worse than me is the lil guy. Good God it shouldn’t be this hard.
Our last day together is probably tomorrow (a half day). I may well be on a placement next week in a local town. So unless Lisa sets aside some of her evening time we will be apart for maybe 2 weeks. My only hope is that she feels the separation as deeply as I do and that she does something about it. Of course she may well attribute the sadness to being away from her family - damn this sounds like a Hollywood movie. I’d rather Hollywood than Bollywood.

I wonder what her agenda is for tonight.

23.38 Kept myself busy. At times I can forget but not for long. What amazes me is the level of self delusion I am capable of generating. Even now reading over what I have recently typed in I see a man with hope. Yet only days ago I forsaw no hope. There is no logic. If a pill were available to control these raging hormones would I take it?

23.14 Lisa Friends again

6.30 alarm. I turn it off. The lil guy doesn’t awake.
7.00 I wake up. I shave and shower. I dress and as I journey downstairs the lil guy materialises with “who’s that?” I make him some milk and for me some tea and toast. We watch some old home movies (his request) as we partake of our breakfast.
8.33 I leave the lil guy with my mom watching “Stuart Little”. I intend to only serve a half-day.

8.50 I arrive at the train centre. Lisa arrives around 9.15. G is in - she was away yesterday attending her Nan’s funeral (an expected death - though G said she got no sleep last night). Lisa and I spent a lot of time facing each other and talk was smooth and fun and effortless. Her goddaughter’s mother is going through a court case and Lisa feels she’s not doing it with the right focus - feeling there is a lot of active revenge in both parties. Lisa’s sister too facing her problems too - Lisa spent an hour on the phone talking to her, and felt sad at not being able to be personally present. Lisa’s parents too are having their problems. Lisa too did not sleep well last night. I let her know about G’s Nan’s funeral.
9.37 Lisa sent me an email. She’s let me back in as a friend. She’s given me access to her main online catalogue (though I didn’t find this out until around 12pm when I checked my emails).
10.00 S came in. Just before break Lisa sent me a Yahoo greeting (a weird one). The greeting text is “Don’t just stand there, PUP a move” and features a couple of dogs dancing. (I didn’t actually check my emails until around 12pm).
10.30 Breaktime. G set on a separate table but was still part of our group. Lisa next to me and S opposite. S brought in come curry which was good. Lisa and I devoured it. This is S’s last week. Lisa asked him to leave contact details so that we four could meet up for a meal. S didn’t respond, neither did I (my thoughts also dreaded my last week), G didn’t respond - well she’s still reeling from the funeral.
After break we carried on in the same vein. I let Lisa know I was here for half a day today and tomorrow. It’s weird I could see the emotional impact that had on her. She went sad and said nothing and I could see she was sad. It saddens me to know I can have that effect on her and yet be unable to administer the necessary medicine - me, a hug, a kiss, a touch, a shared feeling.
She is still abuzz with the thought of a baptism for her goddaughter and is looking for a church.

12.00 I checked my emails. I thanked Lisa for letting me back in. She smiled. I said she must have been really angry to have cut me off. She said she didn’t - implying her sister did the deed. Lisa admitted to having had a bad “man” experience in her past - as I suspected and said to her. We didn’t have time for details nor was it the right place.
She’d also worried about one of my emails where I’d said “I don’t know where I stand with you.” - I still don’t but I didn’t push for details.
12:15 I said see you tomorrow and left.

The lil guy was watching cartoons on the telly. He was pleased to see me. We played robot-monsters. We chased each other. He had MOST of my lunch and ate food he usually makes a judgement on before refusing to touch it. He ate 1/8th of his food (chicken sandwich). He ate 7/8th of my boiled potato and lots of my pasta. In the past he’d just look at the pasta and decide it wasn’t going to taste good - today he changed his mind. Kids hate “bits”.
After food lots of hugs and tickling culminating in him biting a hole in my shirt.
Then I had a nap - more due to dehydration.
Later we watched some home movies of his cousins and he fell asleep in the middle of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”.

22.41 No emails for Lisa. I haven’t seen her online via Messenger. Perhaps she’s with her boyfriend although she has spent time with her goddaughter’s mum on Wednesday’s in the past.

My sister managed to get some sleep. The nurses formed a V shape of some pillows allowing her back to rest in the air and resulting in a peaceful night’s sleep for her. They removed 2 of the three drainage pipes today. She was visited by her work-mates this evening. The lil guy cried lots having spoken to her and wanted her mum to be here. He was really missing her today.

Currently I am living with the motto: “One day at a time”. I have given up expecting anything from Lisa. I am enjoying my time with her. I dread the time without her, as she’s all I think about. I dread the future when we no longer have the training centre as an excuse.

One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.

Lisa in Depth 17:24

I woke up to put out the darn alarm. The lil guy woke up and said, “I’m going to the toilet”. 10mins later I got up and the lil guy started to get up. I told him “I’m going to shower, when I’ve finished and I go downstairs I’ll get you”. I went downstairs did some exercises. When I got back up for a shower he was fast asleep. I had my shower, ironed a shirt and got dressed. As I headed downstairs the lil guy suddenly appeared. For breakfast he only wanted milk.
I left the house at 8.42. I left the guy in the care of my mom watching “Are we there yet” - his current fav movie.

I got to the training centre at 9.57am. Lisa arrived soon after. She was looking trim. She was still suffering some of the symptoms of the viral bug but able to function. I brought her up to date with my sister’s situation. She told me a little more about her mum’s condition. So the first 15 minutes was a good old chat. The rest of the morning, up to the break, was her focused on her work and me on mine.

Breaktime: I offered her a drink. She smiled huge (small things can bring a massive smile to her face) - I wish I knew what significance my offering her a drink meant. She said yes. Only us 2 at the table today. Lisa, I have discovered, loves gossip. She remarked on DH now followed the new girl into the “other room” every breaktime. G and S were off today. Lisa told me about her mum. She also told me about how she was hit by an illness at the same time as her mum. It took the doctors 4 months to do something about Lisa’s illness. She told me some real personal stuff.

So enthralled in our conversation were we that a staff member had to hall us back in 5minutes late. The time leading up to dinner was mostly quiet. I checked if the lil guy was fine (over the phone) and he was.

Dinnertime: I said to her “see you later”. She repeated. She went off. I went off.

After dinner Lisa had brought a magazine and perused it and eventually got caught.
She got a text message that excited her. Her goddaughter’s mother had decided to baptise her goddaughter. Lisa was excited and was already wondering what she would wear, what her goddaughter would wear. Lisa used to go to church every Sunday in Portugal and also when she first came to this country. Only as she was exposed to our lack of faith did she stop attending. But it is obviously still an important part of her make-up.

Breaktime: She looked through her magazine - she’d seen a jacket “to die for” and where she could get her hands on it. I asked her about her sister - times are tough for her sister. Her parents want her sister to head back to this country. The sister has spent time here but hated it. So despite having no job, in Portugal, and living with her parents, she obviously feels more comfortable in Portugal.

After break: Not many laughs.

Home time: I said, “See you tomorrow”. I headed home. The lil guy is asleep. He is coughing. Maybe yesterday tired him out.

Summary: I didn’t seek out contact with Lisa. When I did go near the strength of my feelings multiplied. We had NO physical contact - I wonder how much pure-electricity that would have generated. I still have no idea why I have been shunned on Sunday. Her goddaughter did not come over the weekend - so it wasn’t her I saw. Lisa is still on dial-up - although it is faster than AOL dial-up, which she recently dropped. I don’t know if I dread the ending of our time in April or look forward to a finale of sorts.
Me: I feel like I’ve taken pain-killers for my heart. Feeling sad, lonely - kinda like the lil guy :( . For some reason I really want Lisa to meet the lil guy.

Good news: My sister did her hair today. She hadn’t been able to raise her arm on Sunday. But she managed it today - I had faith in her. Lisa had mentioned her mother being unable to regain the same strength and mobility (in her arm) as she had before her cancer operation.

The Hospital 11:35 PM

We journeyed to see my sister. The lil guy fell asleep in the car and woke up as soon as we arrived at his house. He was glad to see his dad. He played on his new bike in the kitchen. We journeyed as a convoy to the hospital.

3pm: We walked through the ward. The lil guy saw his mum first and went sheepish as he saw her. She stood up and called him over. They hugged. My sister kept her right hand near her right boob - it was obviously tender. 3 tubes filled with Morse-code patterns of blood lead from her stomach to a pillowcase of a bag. She introduced us to a few of her fellow patients - one with recently removed facial cancer. The lil guy was too overcome with seeing his mum to respond to the usual cute remarks made towards him by strangers.
We left around 5pm. The lil guy wanted to stay with his mum, then with his dad. But all the reasons had been explained to him. He didn’t cry and as soon as he kissed his mum and went out of the door soon found something to do - as we went past a row of chairs he found the need to touch his hand on every one of them :) . In the car he was sad and quiet. I got him to eat a little bit. He eventually fell asleep on the journey home too.

23:51: Nothing from Lisa. Did she turn up today at the training centre I wonder?

Sunday, 05 March 2006
The Park Again

Woke up around 9am. The Lil guy and his cousin entertained themselves.
11am I decided to pop to the shop to get the lil guy some cough drops. I decided to cycle to Lisa’s park. The cycle ride went smoothly. At the park I may have passed Lisa’s goddaughter and her mother (who may have recognised me if Lisa has described me to her). I didn’t stay long. I cycled back via the shop. On the way back, near my park, I bumped into S (one of peers at the training centre). He was with his daughter and grandson and walking his 2 dogs. He was looking a lot better having suffered from, I believe, the same bug that has knocked Lisa for six.

3pm The boys finally agreed to go out. As I prepared the bikes the lil guy journeyed up to the bedroom, pulled the duvet over himself, and promptly fell asleep. So my nephew and I also journeyed to Lisa’s park. We had lots of fun there especially on the nouveau-seesaw. However I discovered my hamstring is still far from ready for football. I kicked a piece of rubber and straight away felt a twinge in the back of my right thigh. We passed by Lisa’s place about 3 times. We journeyed home and my poor cousin was bushed. We got home 5pm.

Lisa has not sent any emails today. She did come online around 7pm. I hailed her but she didn’t respond. As I waited my sister phoned and asked me to ring her back. I left a message with Lisa on Messenger. When I came back she hadn’t responded. I waited and she finally went offline without a hello. I wonder what has happened. Every so often I keep repeating the phrase “5 years” - it’s become my swear phrase. That is the nature of the opponent.

My sister is more lucid. She’s off the morphine now. Starting to move around now. She is finding sleeping difficult due to the surgeons having taken matter from her back for the breast reconstruction. We will journey to see her tomorrow.

Tried to keep busy the rest of the night. Tried not to think too deep about anything. I watched Stargate 09x18 (while feeling VERY VERY SLEEPY).

Lil Guy Laughs 15:04

6.30 Damn alarm woke me. I got up found it and realised it was Saturday. I went back to sleep. Around 9am the lil guy woke up. I had breakfast but the lil guy only wanted milk. He refused the toast. I checked emails and around 11am I received an email from Lisa (she sent it around 10.35am). She was replying to my reply to her - checking on my sister’s state and the lil guy and her (Lisa) illness state being better.
11.30 I replied to her email and told her the latest gossip at the centre. I signed it with a rose (wondering what reaction I’d get - since all recent emails had been vague e.g. best wishes or just a name from both of us).
11.42 She replied. More detail about her illness and the similarity between it and that suffered by a classmate S. She said walking was strange on Friday as she’d been lying down the whole week. She signed it "kisses". It lifted my spirits even though I know it has no "legal" value in fact. I suppose different parts of my psyche all have varying hormonal releases. So despite all the previous history I still wound up being elated.
I couldn’t reply straight away as the lil guy wanted computer action - Bob the Builder. So while he played I vacuumed. When he got bored of that we made a paper-ball and played on the stairs.
13.45 I replied. I clarified the gossip. Told her what I’d done with the lil guy. I didn’t know how to sign it so I got the lil guy to pick a smiley (he picked the grin) and made it clear to her.

15.34 So far no reply.

During all the emails I did check to see if Lisa was on MESSENGER. She never was.

16:30 Me and lil guy finally get out of the house. In fact the lil guy left his mum on the phone in his rush to get on the bike - now that is eager :) . I’ve strapped a pillow on my bike and he sits in front of me and holds on to the front handlebars. HE LOVES IT. We cycled through the park, past the training centre all the way to Lisa’s park. He played in the park for a little while. We then headed back, past Lisa’s place - again no sign of her. The lil guy was tired and a lil cold too. We stopped a few times so he could walk and run (he loves to race) - it also allows him to generate heat. It was getting dark now. We eventually got home at 19:00. A pleasant surprise awaited him - his cousin was waiting for him. I heated up some milk for the lil guy and he drank it while playing with his cousin (he showed little evidence of the tiredness prior to our arrival :> ). He ate a bowl of plain rice later on - he demanded it be plain.
We finished off the evening with a movie "Are we there yet".

22.41 No more emails or Messenger. I figure she’s probably down her goddaughter’s place.

The Operation 9:39 PM
Woke up. Did exercises. Showered. Breakfasted. I left at 9.42, discovered I had a puncture 200m later. I walked back and used the backup bike. I got in at 9.15am. Ironically the back up bike seemed faster - if only it had brakes.

No Lisa. I overhead the staff mention she’d talked to the head woman who’d said Lisa still sounded rough. M was in for her last day- she’s facing eviction in 3 days time, along with her mother. She’s been looking for a house since through out her time at the centre. Apparently they have a place in a hostel but cannot share a room. M hates the place, as it’s full of druggies. V didn’t turn up for her last day. DH was in. G was in. The animosity between DH, the weird male, and G, the female, increased to all out word-fare today.

I spent most of today helping W with his access database. Nothing in the papers. Nothing on the www. No Emails from Lisa.

Breaktime: No DH. Just G W R and me. The Drinks machine seemed to have run out of sugar so all our drinks were shit. I mentioned the vans I had seen in the Park. G suggested they were filming vans. They are allowed to park there during the night.

The session towards the end of the half day seemed to go slowly.

I cycled towards Lisa’s park. There was only 1 van left in the park. I passed by her building in a fit of speed. Lacking good-brakes on the spare bike made cycling hairy. Going under the bridge I made a lady jump and dislodged my bike chain. Took me 20min to get from Lisa’s to my home - ON THE SPARE BIKE.

Lil Guy met me at the door. He’ been to the shops and the park but hadn’t stayed long (wasn’t in the mood to have fun).

I checked my email. Lisa has sent me 2 emails. The first inviting me back to one of her online catalogues (not the main one alas). The second email a yahoo greeting hoping my sisters operation went well (signed Best wishes). I replied telling her the situation.

I had lunch while watching Stargate. I had a nap while the lil guy played on the PC. He started having a nap but soon left to go elsewhere - which allowed me to have a 2-hour nap.

5pm: I replaced the inner tube in my main bike. I think I have a damaged back wheel (it would explain why the back up bike seems faster).

I cheered up the lil guy with a dance, with him in my arms, in the kitchen. Boy he laughed. Probably cheered up the next door neighbours too. I learnt my sister is still having the operation (7pm). I made us dinner. He ate plain white rice AND FINISHED IT ALL :) . Then he actually had meat of my plate and some of my rice too. GOOD TO SEE HIM EAT HEARTILY.

More bad news: My brother’s girlfriend’s father has had a heart attack.

The lil guy and I spent the rest of the evening watching Shrek 1 and 2.

9pm: My sister is out of the operation (has been for 1.5 hours apparently). According to the nurse the operation went well and my sister is up and eating a little toast. I talked to my sister. She sounded groggy and she spoke to the lil guy. The lil guy also spoke to his dad. The lil guy really misses his mom and tears can suddenly appear out of the blue.

22:30. The lil guy lies on my bed "not trying" to sleep. He is quiet lying there watching me and the TV. He’s had his milk. Finally he’s now trying to sleep.

Compared to all the above my problems pale into laughability. I know this but still a problem is not defined by its size but by its immediate impact. I know while I wait for Lisa’s responses she’s at home suffering but no doubt being soothed by her 5year boyfriend - it’s where I would be.

On the positive side, my leg is healing and I am contemplating 1. Salsa club 2. Fitness classes - as a way of meeting and making friends. It didn’t seem so important 1.5months ago. But Lisa’s impact on me, my direction, my views, my needs has been immense. In 1 month I’ve lost 5kilograms (despite not being able to play football), I’ve started the morning exercise routine to tone up again.

22.49 Lil guy is very quiet but no sleeping :) .

Lisa back in the picture
16.19

This morning my alarm was so loud it woke up the little guy. He came into my room. I was feeling a little tired and had decided to ignore the alarm for half an hour. I had decided to take a half-day and thus would only be attending the centre for the morning only. I told the lil guy to get into my bed which he did. Then he let out a sad confession. He wanted his mum. I gave the guy a big squeezy hug and talked to him. I told him his mum was in hospital and when she was better we’d go and see her.
“In fact”, I said, “We’ll be going up on Monday and you’ll get to see her”.
“Until then just keep hugging your family lots”.
It seemed to work. For 15 minutes he just lay still and only got up as I got up to get ready for another day. I left him playing on the PC while I showered. I had breakfast (he refused every edible food item and drink - he didn’t eat much yesterday either).
We watched kids TV while I ate and he ignored his toast.
I left him in my mother’s care.

At the centre no sign of Lisa. No emails from her either. G, the girl, was in. V, the missing girl, was back - her last day tomorrow. S, the oldest man, was in - for the last 2 days he’d been “dying” with a viral bug and had lost weight (he looked haggard with bags under his eyes). He said all parts of his body had been hurting, he’d not eaten for 2 days.

Today I really missed Lisa. I thought I was getting over her but suddenly I have a day like today. The longing is proportional to the length of time between contact. The longer I go without talking to her the more it hurts. So she still holds a giant chuck of my soul.
Just before our last Messenger contact I was trawling through “my Lisa emails” and accidentally clicked on a link inviting her to be my online friend (instead of the link allowing me to view my online friends). I felt awkward and wondered if I should email her saying “I didn’t mean to click on that link. You disconnected me so I didn’t intend to force my friendship on you - so please ignore it and take your time in deciding what you want of us - in anything“. I decided not to. I figured either my subconscious let me do the slip or LOKI is playing his games so I’d let the play, play out.

At the centre no emails from Lisa. Afternoon break - no DH in the room, which allowed G to breath easier. I’m getting tired of the centre and look forward to the breaks. Poor V was looking depressed. She has been kicked out of her friend’s house and her boyfriend has also requested she leave his place. She admitted she’d been bitchy lately. She says she’s looking forward to her last day being tomorrow as she has found the staff here is stressing her.

After break one of the staff introduced me to a man who is having problems with his web site (its gone). Apparently one of the partners of his business left taking all access to the company web site with him. While he was there I found out who their domain is registered to and which ISP hosts their web site and when it expires. In doing so I demonstrated my knowledge and probably did myself out of a job (tee hee - but that’s me - 21st century deception is one of my pet hates). Ironically the same company has also purchased networking equipment from a friend of the ex-partner which is failing to talk to do the job. So they cut ties with the Network Company, are lumbered with the networking kit, but have no one to install it. I told him I’d be glad to help but next week (sister) is out of the question. The danger of exploitation is also possible but hey gotta put out to get some :). I may get fucked but at least I’ll know if I’m up to it and they may find they need an IT department (they have over 100 employees).

I left before lunch. The lil guy greeted me at the door. He was happy. He’d been out shopping, had talked to his mum on the phone and seems resigned to getting all his loving needs from the local family.

I had lunch while watching 10th episode of 24 (brilliant again). The lil guy only ate strawberries. His appetite is poor. But he’s still as inquisitive as ever. I checked my emails and WOW Lisa has request me as a friend to one of her 2 online catalogues - sent around 3pm. The lil guy was on my lap as I checked the email. He saw Lisa’s picture and said, “Who’s that?”
I said, “It’s a friend.”
He said, “You’ve got a girl friend! You’ve got a girlfriend!” which made me smile.
I said “No, just a friend”. Which he accepted.
I went online but its now 17.22 and no-one has come online.

The lil guy has gone to spend time and possibly sleep over (he’s against it at the moment) with his cousins. He loves playing with them. They took him to McDonalds but he didn’t eat much.

Sister is in hospital and they intend to cut tomorrow. I’ve now heard from 2 people who have had a direct or indirect touch with cancer, chemotherapy and mastectomy. In one case she had a cancerous tumour which had spread to her lymph nodes. Over 20 years ago they took it all out, she had chemo and was regularly checked on for 15 years. 5 years ago they gave her the all clear and she no longer is checked on. The other case is Lisa’s mum.

19.03 Just finished watching "Stargate SG1 03x05". With my current state its emotional impact was high. My eyes glistened. My nose ran. It’s the virus no doubt ;) .

22.58 Just got back from a late night cycle. I got bored sitting indoors. I’d watched some films earlier (but I’d watched them while wanting to be somewhere else). I’d tried a couple of chat sites but found that boring. My problem is I have no unmarried friends and I am not looking for friendship. So the house got too much. I made up 2 reasons to get out of the house (1. Check out the night-club I’d hoped to take Lisa to. 2. Maybe check out Lisa). I got out the house and cycled through the park. The left side of the park is pretty well lit. As I got into town I stayed on the pavements (having no lights on the bike). Town was pretty empty. The club is closed and is no longer in business. It’s a great shame as this club was totally NON-SMOKING. I decided to carry out my second goal. I cut across red lights, cut across 2 oncoming cars, cycled through her park in the dark (and there were multiple lorries parked in her park - must be something big planned for the weekend). I cycled past her building - lights were on but I don’t know which is her room. I cycled towards home, cut across 2 cars, skidded to a halt by the bridge, halted for traffic on the second bridge and then negotiated my park on the opposite side (the dark side). That was the penultimate adrenaline rush - cycling a dark path, with eyes wide open, trusting that no person has left something on the path (though I had encountered multiple incidences of broken glass). The final adrenaline was as I was nearing the end of the park and encountering another cyclist with no lights dress FULL IN BLACK - a total plebe :). Finally I got home. No more emails from Lisa and she’s NOT online.
But the cycle ride has helped. Before I went I was full of frustration. Now I feel better. Adrenaline has a soothing effect on love angst. It doesn’t last long but it helps.
Looks like the lil guy is sleeping with his cousins. Time for a shower.

23.34 Lisa has just gone online. I am offline (so I’ve decided to wait a suitable amount of time and then I’ll see what I decide to do). I know what I want to do but I don’t want to appear desperate - even if I am :) . I went online, she went "Away", I went offline. C’est La vie. Then to top it off my router crashed and I went totally offline.

SLEEPY HEAD
10:45 PM

Lisa did not turn up. She didn’t ring the centre. She hasn’t sent any emails. She, from what I can see, hasn’t been online.

We still have a few laughs at the centre. Mr Dickhead, whom I’ve mentioned before in this blog, is upsetting the only girl who is attending regularly. But she’s already bitten his head off a few times. Mr Dickhead still comes back for more. Watching him in action I often wonder if that is how I am perceived by people at times. Have you ever met a truly boring person? What is it that makes him boring? Tone of voice? Lack of ambition? Lack of emotion? He can’t be a total loser the man has a child. Though he, apparently, is fighting for access to his child.

I kept checking my emails all through the day and I kept checking to see if Lisa had telephoned in - all negative.

I got home. My sister had arrived with her son. The poor boy is suffering from a cold. She left soon after. She’s, hopefully, having her operation tomorrow.

No Lisa online through the night. I was briefly in contact, via Messenger, with an “allegedly” pretty lady based in the BIG City - she contacted me (I’d investigated her from a google search, deleted her, but Messenger must have left some kind of link on her end). I also briefly talked to my other nephew on Messenger.

Now my youngest nephew lies on my bed as I type. He misses his mother. He knows she’s in hospital and is intelligent for a 4-year-old. He’s finding it hard to sleep.
23.16 He’s asleep.

Looks like I am just a colleague after all.