Ever so lo lo lo lo lonely

9:21pm
Been feeling very lonely these past few weeks/months. Especially after finishing work. All I seem to have is home. It doesn’t feel enough. I not only miss love I also miss friends. My need to actually go somewhere and converse, laugh, share the moment, flirt has taken on hormonal magnitude. Having a laugh on online games no longer cuts it.

I tried a couple of dating web-sites. Date.com comes over as a scam. You have to pay to actually receive emails. Soon after the free registration point you mysteriously get someone who is interested in you - PAY NOW AND SEE THIS PERSON (with a photo of a beautiful woman). YAHOO PERSONALS turns out to be a similar con - you assume it’s going to be free. It ain’t. GUMTREE - reply to the advert and you get directed to a porn site. Yahoo Groups didn’t contain a group that I would feel comfortable in.

The last 2 Sundays I intended to pop into the night club. However I used the excuse of rain to not attend. Finally this Tuesday I made my way to a Latino nightclub. I waited and walked 1 hour before catching a bus at 10.40pm. Ironically when I made it to the night club there are around 13 people in it. Luckily I recognised 2 of my footy mates. Weird how much comfort you get from just knowing someone. Weird because I didn’t utter more that 20 words to them the whole night. I also knew the DJ as a footy mate. More irony/design - this night club is a favourite of the footy boys as many of them are Portuguese, it also it the night club that Lisa attends on a Tuesday.

For the first hour none of my mates ventured on the dance floor. I jiggled by the bar with a soft drink in my hand costing 60units. More footy mates started arriving after the hour of jiggling. The place started getting a vibe from Midnight onwards. When Big-C, footy dancer, arrived he very soon ventured onto the dance floor. 15 minutes later I started dancing too - not with him but I had my excuse to start doing objective 2 for the night (objective 1 - see Lisa and see how it goes, objective 2: have fun and dance). I hardly left the dance floor for 2 hours. As I danced on the floor I spotted Lisa around 1am by the bar. We avoided each other’s glances for about 1 hour. Finally when we both glanced at each other I waved to her and she waved to me. I thence ignored her - directly.

I did not fail to notice she was beautiful. There was no fat on that body. She enjoyed dancing. She enjoyed the touch of many a man. There were some spectacular women on the dance floor too. However no one seemed interested in lil ole me. So I danced and danced.

I left at 2.20am and walked home. I got home at 3.30am. I was bushed. I showered and got up for work at 6.30am. Right now after a full day of work I AM BUSHED. My legs are feeling the effects of 2 hours of aerobics. No emails from Lisa have come - yes I still live in hope.

In summary:
I am glad I went out yesterday. I enjoyed showing my dance abilities (though I do not know how others rated them). I loved seeing Lisa. I hated the feelings that seeing Lisa aroused. I envied the men who danced with her, who touched her, who seemed to have hope, who disappeared at the end of the dance. When I left Big-C was dancing towards her. His reputation for conquering women is legendary on the footy pitch. I wonder if he achieved “my aim” for himself. The long walk home was spent in self-examination, evaluation of the night, of my reactions or lack, of what-ifs, or re-evaluations of the past. Ultimately nothing was resolved. Currently I am aiming to go out on Saturday and Tuesday. I wonder if she’ll show up on Tuesday.

My sister has now lost all her hair. She’s had her second chemo shot. She’s been feeling flu like symptoms on and off for a week around the chemo shot. I haven’t seen the lil guy.

My hamstring continues to twinge so no footy - I tried to avoid real stretching exertions during the dancing last night. I almost induced cramp, while on the dance floor, when bending my leg to pick out glass from the bottom of my shoes. But luckily putting the foot back down eased that trend. I had feared that I might suffer cramp when I went to bed but only insomnia plagued me - initially.

Sadly I made no new friends. Maybe next week. I can but try. Failure - I am used to. Success would be nice. Only 1 girl did I see NOT SMOKING. Even Lisa lit an ordinary fag.

Bye Bye My Love

I finally cut the bonds. Lisa has been offline for 11 days. I earlier tried her mobile and went into answer machine. I tried her landline and it appears to be disconnected. She finally came online today. She added 3 more friends to her online account. Nothing came my way.
So I quit my one online account as I was only using it to keep tabs of when she came online. I then cut the “friendship bond” on my online catalogue. I hate doing it, as it was my last link to her. But I got to go on. I can’t keep living and hoping for a Mills â€?n Boon ending.

No way back now. Thus comes to an end a single milestone in 3.5 months of emotional turmoil.

WORKING MAN COMING THROUGH

Finally some good news. I start work this Monday at the Work Trail place - they took me on wow.

I cut my hair last Saturday. I fitted into a Large T-shirt. The result was gasps of Awe when I turned up to watch the boys play football. The haircut makes me look younger and the T-shirt shows off my body (instead of my usual attire that hides it). I haven’t played football for about 3 weeks. This is due to the R hamstring not having healed (yes the same injury that I acquired months ago). I have been advised by the more sports knowledgeable boys to rest it until I feel NOTHING from the muscle at all.

The last game I played was a blinder. I scored, made goals, headed a sweet goal in, tackled and kept the ball. But the hamstring keeps twinging. I don’t think my cycling helps as the saddle sits right on the point of the hamstring that is trying to heal.

My sister had her second chemotherapy shot last Monday. Today she’s not feeling too well. She has a head cold. Her hair has started falling out.

As for Lisa - Nothing. I bumped into S (Lisa, He and I were at The Training Place at the same time). He too has not heard anything from Lisa. The last few contacts he had from her were hot and then cold. He ended up deleting all her details from his phone. Looks like we were both a classroom amusement to pass away the boring hours that otherwise ensue. Such lack of respect is astounding. Still it takes all sorts to make up this crazy world.

Chicken POX
May the fourth be with you

Since the last entry Lisa has not tried to contact me in anyway. I miss her but the evidence of her lack of respect (or disinterest) is overwhelming. I contacting her, in my eyes, appears stupid. If I genuinely felt I stood a chance I would. But she’s never confirmed any of the “signs”, I felt, she displayed. I fool myself into hoping that she has this GIANT wall around her heart and that if one can surmount it and get in then she will give that individual infinite love. But surely if she is waiting for someone to come over the wall it would be someone she encourages NOT DISCOURAGES.
I also miss "the friend I almost made".

She has also brought to light something I did not do as a child. I never made the right set of friends in my local school. The only friends I had were for during school hours. Consequently when I return to my hometown I find myself alone. I’m seeking ways of remedying this but so far have no answers. The idea of meeting someone over the Internet seems so alien and I haven’t completed any of my searches for friends or loves. Perhaps in hindsight Lisa was a school hours friend - but this time I did try.

I contacted L2, via email last week. She replied saying it was her last day at the company and she’d failed to get the job she’d wanted. Unfortunately she used her company email address and so I no longer have a contact email for L2 - which perhaps is what she intended. Sad.

On the family side: My sister has started her chemotherapy. The lil guy is one week over a bout of chicken pox. His face and body is full of chicken pox scars. He was here this past weekend. He brought his new bike - a full pedal cycle with stabilisers. On Saturday he completed an 8mile trip with me (SUPER BOY). He was not even visibly affected the next day with fatigue. He loved it so much he proposed we do it again on Sunday (it’s OK I declined).

On the Work Trial I like the people there. I hate the admin involved. I don’t think much of the salary. However a bird in the hand... They seem to like me. I will apply for the upcoming vacancy. I just hope my ability for picking up vibes is better in job hunting than love hunting.